Aries March 21st – April 20th

Are you still here? If you had any sense you’d have topped yourself years ago. In saying that, it is probably testament to your staying power. That, or you’re willing to be shat on for the rest of your life. Answer the door on a Wednesday to a tall dark stranger who may, or may not, piss down his leg.

Not an Aries? Fear not – more horoscope action after the jump…

Taurus April 21st – May 21st

With Mercury a bucked toothed dead singer, and Venus the name of a
equine tennis player, your thoughts will be filled with two voices. One
telling you that your life is futile, the other saying you should go
shopping for a new tennis racket. Combine the two and beat yourself
over the head shouting "Everyone else – Match Point. My self esteem -
Love."

Gemini May 22nd – June 21st

With everyone always pointing and laughing at you, you’ll no doubt find
it hard not to throw petrol bombs at your face. Don’t fret. A dancing
cosmos and a waffle iron tells of a slight decrease in your woe.
Thursday brings imaginary hope.

Cancer June 21st – July 23rd

Roy Castle said it best when he proclaimed "I wish I had smoked now."
The signs all point to your chain smoking, and staring at the drudgery
of the washing during the spin cycle. Luck is hidden under a dog shit.

Leo July 24th – Aug 23rd

Even though your sign means you ought to look like Barry Gibb, you
don’t. Neither have you sold a million records. Neither have you met
Barbara Streisand. Neither have you written a hit record for Diana
Ross. Or Dionne Warwick. You’re rubbish, aren’t you?

Virgo August 24th – September 23rd

Quit your job this week. Your boss thinks you’re a dick. They really
do. Why else would they treat you like a fucking idiot all this time.
With the harvest moon in full masonic attire, all energies point to you
stabbing your team leader in the eye with a biro during one of your
dreadful ‘team meetings’ Repeat the mantra "I am worth more than a box
of Celebrations."

Libra September 24th – October 23rd

Your cup runneth bone dry. Everytime you swallow, you are reminded that
life is indeed a bitter pill to swallow. You think that everything,
including your love life is shite. Keep thinking to yourself that all
this is futile, and amuse yourself with thoughts of setting tramps on
fire. Failing that, keep thinking of your lucky number until you open
your eyes, and find that you have written it on your partner’s face. In
permanent marker.

Scorpio October 24th – November 22nd

Ah. You’re in the crapper now. Jupiter has mounted Mars, and Sodom
reigns in your tropic of bauhaus. Spoon an eye out and pop it on the
end of a cocktail stick to remind you that the planets are always
watching you. Have a staring competition and the loser gets a soiled
pair of knickers in their face.

Sagittarius November 23rd – December 21st

The stars have formed above your house to spell out ‘You are rubbish at
everything you do’. If you believe in horoscopes, then it must be true.
If not, bad news. The stars actually do tell the truth. Sorry. You
talentless git.

Capricorn December 22nd – January 20th

You’ll be in a coma by the end of the week. Really sorry.

Aquarius January 21st – February 19th

With Saturn sitting in a public toilet, cock in hand, you’ll find
yourself in a similar situation. Except you’ll be in some nylon day glo
pants, wearing a dismal afro wig in a 70s theme bar. You’ll be in the
toilets whilst you listen to your best mate getting off with your
partner in the next cubical. The answer lies in a degraded brawl in the
car park.

Pisces February 20th – March 20th

Lucky old Pisces!!! Your week will be filled with sunshine, happiness,
fulfilment and most of all, a huge cash injection! You feel like you
are walking on air this week! You lucky old swine you! Of course, when
the methadone wears off you’ll be trying to tear your pelvis out of
your body just so you can beat yourself over the head with it until you
pass out. Still, enjoy the ride while it last! Lucky you!

[story by Mof Gimmers]