Will you become richer than Cowell? Will you get that job you’re waiting to hear about? Are you stupid enough to believe anything we tell you without question?
Let’s find out.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
You lose both hands in a misjudged game of ‘One Potato, Two Potato’ with Abu Hamza. The moon told us.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
You put extra strength hair removing cream on your front bottom before a big date and end up having to cancel the date due to severe burns. Have a decent lie prepared.
Gemini (May 22- Jun 22)
Your brother still thinks it’s funny to call you a virgin in public, so you sleep with his girlfriend. In public.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
Your recent dreams offer a powerful insight into what lies in store for you this week. Which is prison.
Leo (Jul 24- Aug 23)
Someone close to you has an agenda. They are paying attention to you. They want something from you in return for money. It’s your boss. Go to work.
Virgo (Aug 24- Sep 23)
Your girlfriend finds those Michael Bolton albums you bought last year and leaves you. Quite rightly so.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
This is going to be the most exciting week of your lif…oh wait. Sorry that’s for Capricorn. You’re going to have the most mind numblingly average week of your life.
Scorpio (Oct 24- Nov 22)
The universe is working with you this week as you win some money. It then disowns you when you use it to buy a pair of Ugg boots and an N-Dubz album.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
Your girlfriend agrees to marry you. You get that promotion. ALL OF YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE!! Even we didn’t see that one coming.
Capricorn (Dec 22- Jan 20)
Orion is in the realm of succotash, which can only mean one thing – this is going to be the most exciting week of your life. That huge growth on your face will finally be lanced, leaving only minor scarring. Only 6 more to go…
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Your hatred of soft rock will become overpowering forcing you to break the heart of a Virgo male.
Pisces (Feb 20- Mar 20)
A small shift in the Earth’s gravitational pull causes you to fall off and float in space forever. Unlucky. In better news, your bloated corpse will jam up the NASA International Space Station and you’ll take a bunch of spacemen down with you. How very celestial.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!