With this in mind, we’re launching the hecklerspray horoscopes – bite-sized nuggets of spiritual fact to guide you through the week ahead. Remember, the following horoscope is legally binding, and you are obliged to follow it to the letter. Understand? Good – read on…
Aries March 21st – April 20th
Jesus H Josephus. You’re lucky to be alive. With Mars – the God of Shit – in your area, you’re lucky that you even got up this morning. The best thing for you to do is lie in the road at a bus stop, and hope one pops your head open and sprays Dannii Minogue in the eyes.
Taurus April 21st – May 21st
"Cheer up. It may never happen." This what someone wearing nothing but one moccasin, a tie and a belt of lethal bullets will say to you on your lunchbreak. Fear not, this is only a symbol that an itchy arse means good luck and lots of fibre in your diet.
Gemini May 22nd – June 21st
You’re a typical Gemini aren’t you? The twin? Two-faced lying bastard? Well, now the moon is on fire, you can finally make that big decision to enjoy your younger years and be wild and pretend it all didn’t happen, or have the child and start smoking Mayfair Lights.
Cancer June 21st – July 23rd
A wise man once said, "Knowledge is power Curly lad" and, by shitting hell, could you do with some now. Your plans to become the next Paris Hilton started with a lobotomy, and ended up in dreadful Internet sex. Sunday will be special as you’ll be throwing up in a little plastic bowl that usually has the washing up in it. Your lucky number has deserted you and eaten your dignity.
Leo July 24th – Aug 23rd
So you didn’t turn up and nobody even noticed? Wanna scream? Well, the stars say that you have positive energy flowing through Uranus and you should fully follow through. Like your star sign, you are brave and prone to attacking people without remorse. The 14th is a very bad day for you, and you should sort out funeral arrangements this week.
Virgo August 24th – September 23rd
The planets are aligned in such a way that staring at the sky makes no sense, and you may as well throw children in a cement mixer and try and work out what their cries mean. When all is said and done, Jupiter fiddling its way through the tropic of Valhalla means you won’t have to take cheap drugs to give you self esteem anymore. Love comes in the shape of Peter Stringfellow and contraband roll-ups.
Libra September 24th – October 23rd
Now that the solar system is imploding at an alarming rate, you will no longer find yourself sobbing when you first wake up in the morning. Friday’s are still the best for smoking other people’s fags in the pub, and then blaming it on being drunk. Russell Grant says if you drink lots of Port, and eat lots of rice, you will have purple vomit.
Scorpio October 24th – November 22nd
Your youth is behind you and you now resemble someone who lost a fight with an iron. All that crowing about ‘being the sexiest of the signs’ doesn’t wash with the people who know you. Your sting in the tail is now a flaccid squib. You’d be better dead. You already knew that though didn’t you?
Sagittarius November 23rd – December 21st
The planets bring serious news for you. The weekend will bring you your true calling. It will present itself to you down a darkened street, with you on all fours, trying to stifle sobs with your purple clenched fist.
Capricorn December 22nd – January 20th
Someone you’ve never met will enter your life at some point in the future. You will ignore them. They will nod to you, see that they are being ignored, then walk away again. The smouldering moon brings a potato in a string bag.
Aquarius January 21st – February 19th
It has been your birthday, or it is upon you. It if has been, don’t spoil it for the rest. You don’t need to tell them that it will end up at the bottom of some random stairs, in tears, nursing an empty bottle of Bombay Sapphire. It’s your party, and you will cry.
Pisces February 20th – March 20th
Ignore this and you’ll be fine. Read on, and be sucked into a world of random superstition forever. If you look for signs, keep an eye on the fire exit. Pluto reminds you that you shouldn’t do any heavy petting at the swimming baths or fling turkey drummers at a starving orphan. For more advice, call my premium rate horoscope line on 0898 G-U-L-L-I-B-L-E O-A-F
[story by Mof Gimmers]