"Music! Makes the people! Come together!" So sang Madonna in her hit song Music. But she also sang "I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me." And we don’t even know what that means.

Here’s the hecklerspray Gig Guide for this week – all the best live acts on tour distilled into a pithy nugget of fact…

Arctic Monkeys – Hyped even more than Harry Potter fighting Gollum on
the Death Star, here’s your chance to see if these boys are the new Gay
Dad or not – buy tickets

Wed 19 Oct 19:00, The Exchange, Edinburgh

Echo And The Bunnymen – Ian McCullough gave Coldplay an award for being
the best band in the world this week. But don’t hold that against him -
buy tickets

Sun 23 Oct 19:00, Barrowland, Glasgow

The Kills – Moody bloke plus moody girl minus a comb equals quite good music, actually – buy tickets

Thurs 20 Oct 19:00, The Forum, London

Ladytron – hecklerspray favourites, comprising two girls and two whirring, chugging steam-powered robots – buy tickets

Fri 21 Oct 19:00, Koko, Camden

Seth Lakeman – Mercury Prize-nominated folk singer sings his fiddle-de-dee songs about how big moors are, right at your face – buy tickets

Wed 19 Oct 20:30, King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut, Glasgow

Morning Runner – Coldplay wanted X&Y to sound like Morning Runner. It would have been a million time better if it did – buy tickets

Thurs 20 Oct 19:30, Barfly, Birmingham

The Rifles – These kids want to be The Jam so much that we kind of feel
embarrassed for them. Aside from that, they’re pretty good – buy tickets

Tues 18 Oct 19:30, Barfly, Birmingham

Sufjan Stevens – He sings songs about lakes. Expect to do freaking tree rubbings or something in the interlude – buy tickets
Mon 17 Oct 19:00, Shepherds Bush Empire

Musicians! Are you going on tour? Want to be featured in the hecklerspray gig guide?
Write to us and tell us why you’re not shit for a chance to be included.