"If music be the food of love, play on". So said William Shakespeare – but what the hell did he know? Give him a £20 HMV voucher and he’d probably spend it on the bloody Carpenters or something. Stupid beardy git.

Here’s this week’s hecklerspray gig guide: a rundown of the finest live performances you’re likely to see out and about during the next seven days. Shakespeare won’t be going to any of them, though; he’ll probably be starching his codpiece like a twat.

50 Cent - "mumble mumble mumble guns mumble mumble bitches mumble mumble buy my shoes" – buy tickets
Sun 16 Oct 19:30, Wembley Arena Pavilion

Arctic Monkeys – Word on the street is that Arctic Monkeys
are the next big thing. By ‘the street’, we mean ‘a record label
marketing department’ – buy tickets
Fri 14 Oct 19:00, ABC, Glasgow

Bowling For Soup – This week’s badly-dressed obese American skate ska punks to tour the UK – buy tickets
Mon 10 Oct 19:00, Manchester Academy
Tues 11 Oct 19:00, Carling Academy, Bristol
Fri 14 Oct 19:30, The Cresset, Peterborough
Sat 15 Oct 19:00, Guildhall, Portsmouth
Sun 16 Oct 19:00, London Astoria

Eels – Love them or hate them, nobody sings about cancer and depression in a happier way than these kids - buy tickets
Thurs 13 Oct 19:00, Carling Apollo, Manchester

Engineers - If you like Talk Talk, you’ll like Engineers. If you don’t, you won’t. To sum up, they sound pretty much identical to Talk Talk – buy tickets
Mon 10 Oct 19:30, Komedia, Brighton
Thurs 13 Oct 19:30, Scala, London

Ladyfuzz – Easily the best band on the road this week. We love their energetic herky-jerky songs, and their peculiar brand of drum aerobics. Contact venues for tickets
Mon 10, Cox’s Yard, Stratford-Upon-Avon
Tues 11, METRO Club, London
Wed 12, Union, Brighton
Thurs 13, Charlotte, Leicester
Sat 15, Soundhaus, Northampton
Sun 16, Louisiana, Bristol

Proud Mary – Trad old plodders that used to be signed to Noel Gallagher‘s short-lived label. They sound like The Beta Band now, apparently – buy tickets
Wed 12 Oct 19:30, Liverpool Academy
Fri 14 Oct 20:30, King Tut’s Wah Wah Hut, Glasgow

Sufjan Stevens – Go and watch a man sing about lakes. Very quietly – buy tickets
Thurs 13 Oct 21:00, Spring And Airbrake, Belfast