In case you hadn’t noticed, it’s Christmas.
In a show of staggeringly wonderful public service,
hecklerspray has taken a brief break from our usual routine – going to gigs,
watching movies and laughing at crap celebrities – in order to provide you
lucky people with our Expert Christmas Survival Tips.
Simply follow our simple guidelines to make sure that your
festive holiday season runs as smoothly as ever…
- When weeping bitterly about
your relentless catalogue of failure during the year gone by, keep a bottle of
water nearby to avoid dehydration.
- If meeting with elderly
relatives, be sure to mention all the pornography you have purchased recently.
This is a guaranteed charm-getter.
- Remember: Jesus was nailed to
the cross at Easter. Do not attempt to rectify the neighbour’s model
nativity scene.
- Take this yearly opportunity to
remind yourself just how mouth-wateringly delicious sprouts are.
- ITV will mainly be showing
drivel.
- The turkey should ideally be
dead before you attempt to carve it.
- Remember to catch your breath
when laughing uproariously at Christmas Cracker Jokes.
- Refuse to buy presents. Give
your friends and family the gift of a hug instead.
- The fairy at the top of the
tree does not have any genitalia. There is no need to check.
- Warning: certain toys may cause
a choking hazard to young children. Give them something easier to swallow like
a handful of marbles or something.
- When making friends with an
animated Snowman, try not to look so surprised when he eventually melts, you
remedial little shit.
- If taking part in a
heartwarming Christmas TV special, try to choose a better band to play in your
back garden than The Hollies.
- Should anyone attempt to tell
you that Santa does not exist, punch them repeatedly until they retract their
statement.
Hope that we’ve been of help. But – seriously, kids – have a
great Christmas. And if you don’t have a great Christmas … no need to
worry. There’s always next year to make up for it.
Unless you’re Gary Glitter, that is.
[story by C J Davies]
