Looking forward to the festive season? Course you are.

Eh? What's that? You're a bit worried that – what with all the parties being thrown around the nation this time of year – your get-together might be a little disappointing?

Well, fear not. In a quite frankly astonishing display of generosity, the good folks here at hecklerspray have compiled – especially for you – the definitive ten-point plan to staging the perfect Christmas party. Simply follow these tips and everything will work out fine. You hear us? Fine.

 - Christmas cracker jokes can be so boring. Try replacing a traditional gag ('Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side') with a delightfully modern alternative ('What do you get if you put a baby in a blender? An erection').

- When inviting your guests, be sure to include the wacky guys over in the Accounts Department

- Remember: if people end up going to another party rather than yours, don't take it too personally. Unless they go over to the house of that bitch ex-wife. Then there'll be trouble

- If holding an S&M-themed party, remember to show pornography with a festive slant, such as Elf-Dickers or Rudolph The Purple-Nosed Ass Mangler

- Should your neighbours complain about the noise, extend a gesture of goodwill by inviting them over. But only if they bring that daughter of theirs

- It's always good to get guests talking. Why not try a traditional party game, like Charades or Chinese Whispers or Guess How Many Millions Are Going To Die In The Upcoming Global Energy Crisis?

 - Remember to invite Jesus. But keep him away from the vodka. You don't want a repeat of last time

- Be creative with your party snacks. Try two flavours of Doritos this time

- Although there may be a brief moment of satisfaction, kidnap victims are only ever substitutes for real guests

- Invest in some, like, seriously awesome weed, man. Hey – who cares if it's the end of another year and you're still working at Asda? Fuck that shit, man – you don't need to play by no rules. Now pass me that bong 

Have a good one, folks …