This week hecklerscope has been tirelessly fiddling with the planets in order to bring you a completely accurate and not at all fictional account of what lies in store for you this week and all?because?in our own way, we love you.
You’re like the children we never wanted.
Ready to be dazzled and amazed? Well are you? You’d better be because reading the movements of celestial bodies is thirsty work (please send alcohol to numb this awful weight which we carry, okay?).
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
Just one week left to get a date for Valentine’s Day! Once we’ve stopped laughing we’ll get back to you on how to do this.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
The stars play a huge part in your life this week when you show a Leo just how much you care in the local park. You also accidentally show a Scorpio and a Pisces and are beaten up in prison by a Virgo.
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Gemini are a year older than they were this time last year.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
You can relax. Despite your sign’s name you will never, EVER get this disease. ?However, if there was a sign called recurring yeast infection, we couldn’t make the same bold statement.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
We don’t know much. But we know we love you. And that may be all you need to know. ?That and your cat hates you.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
The planets have been discussing you and quite frankly they’re as disgusted with you as everyone else in your life.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
This week you sleep with all of your followers on Twitter. Congratulations! You’ve just made two spambots very happy.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
You receive a surprise phone call on Wednesday! It’s from Rocky Dennis. He wants his face back.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
A work colleague complains about the cold this week for the 17th time so you set fire to his desk and he never mentions it again.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
For once in your miserable life things go the way you want them to. ?New car, new boyfriend and the only thing that stops us from feeling bitter about this is what lies in store for you next week. Two words. Closed casket.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
We’re pleased to tell you that your house isn’t haunted! Oh no, that creepy girl who’s been crawling across your bedroom floor every night is very much alive and dangerous.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
You can’t help feeling like your lonely life is just one poorly written joke. ‘Knock Knock.’ Who’s there? No-one. ?You’re right!