Last week was exciting wasn’t it? Did you all get Valentine’s gifts and do that sex thing with someone?attractive? ?Of course you didn’t, you were all too busy trying to survive another week on Earth, like a load of spotty, overweight extras in a JJ Abrams movie.
So well done for not getting eaten by dinosaurs and let’s rush on and see what terrible things await you this week. Even if death isn’t on the cards, it’s going to be brutal.
Trust us. We’re all kinds of spooky.
Aries (Mar 21-Apr 20)
We know what you’re thinking. ?Will he propose this week? ?Sadly you never find out as gravity fails you later today and you float off into space.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
The only thing in life that truly scares you is death. And it’s coming… one day. (this week)
Gemini (May 22-Jun 22)
On Saturday you find out your little boy has been pulling down his pants in public. This would be cute if your little boy wasn’t 25. This is all your fault.
Cancer (Jun 23-Jul 23)
You get a new writing job this week! It’s for Uni Lad! Congratulations on being shunned for the rest of your life.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Today you infuriate everyone on earth by breathing.
Virgo (Aug 24-Sep 23)
On Friday you discover that dancing to David Guetta in public is an offence punishable by?hanging.
Libra (Sep 24-Oct 23)
The universe has consulted with the stars and on Tuesday they move into position, take aim and?execute?you with an impressive headshot.
Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)
It’s a little known fact that those born under the sign of Scorpio often have horrendous genital warts.
Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)
If we could chose our favourite?star sign?then it goes without saying that it would be Capricorn. You lot are vile.
Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)
We may be in love with you. ?Feel free to send naked pictures and we’ll confirm this next week.
Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)
Remember, it’s all fun and games until someone forgets the safe word and you end up with a penis in your nostril. Think on.
Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)
No one wants to hear how?disappointingly?average they are. YOU ARE?DISAPPOINTINGLY?AVERAGE. See?