Not everyone can tell the future. There's only a small percentile of the entire World?s population who can successfully predict future events, but when they do get it right, they get it great. Like Mystic Meg. She successfully predicted the lives of thousands of people who watched The National Lottery back in the 90s, week in, week out, and everything was hunky dory. One thing she couldn't predict was that severe case of herpes she couldn't shift. No one wants to hear the future from a warty medium.
To say that the future can't be divined is, frankly, a bus load of pish and pshaw. But would you want to know what was in store for you? If someone came up to you on a busy High Street and offered to look into the murky depths of the future in exchange for a fifty pence piece, would you take them up on their faster than Cheryl Cole would take Ashley back?
Of course you would. You're not idiots. So allow us to save you fifty pence. You can put it towards buying bulk orders of Ryvita. Or maybe ?saving.? Whatever you want.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
This week isn't a good week to think about buying a dog. As the moon travels across into a higher aspect, you\’ll find yourself wanting to take some nocturnal walks onto the moors with urges to howl at the moon. Don't put a dog through that. It would only get jealous.
Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
If you are about to start your period, then that's fine. If you're not, get thee to a doctor as soon as you can because something bad is going to happen. Have you seen Teeth? That's something that you may need to familarise yourself with. Vaginis Caninis is a major problem. We don't know for definite, but you may be suffering from this.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
People born under Gemini make the best volatile killing machines, and this is going to be something that you will notice this week. Apparently it's illegal to take a knife to work, but we?ll never tell. *taps nose*
Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)
Your love life will be taking a turn up for the books when the man who decided that it would be a good idea to go on a rampage after Little Mix won X Factor 2011 gets released. It's going to be a while until the release an album, so enjoy it while it lasts.
Leo (Jul 24-Aug 23)
Hopefully by the weekend, there?ll be some good news. ?1,000,000 will be left on your doorstep. You can thank the desperate Russian mobsters wanting to ditch the cash when the police came banging on the door. You?ll be an accessory. You have a month to spend it, then its the chair.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
Nothing major is happening for Virgo this week. Make sure you polish your shoes though. You could be run over by a bus any day.
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
Get all the sex that you can this week. Your boyfriend is going to walk out on you, or your vagina is going to drop off. We can't be 100% on either unfortunately. Drop us a line when you find out. For austerity and definitely not for giggles. Maybe a picture as well.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
Time to ditch the plans to take over the World. The Global recession will send sales of white cats and secret base DIY kits through the roof. Everyone and their neighbour will have a base in a volcano before Saturday. Invest in a moonbase.
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
Hopefully you can see that everyone telling you that the proto-Medieval look will suit you are lying.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
You can't please all the people all the time, so don't bother bathing or showering this week. Dry shampoo will be your only friend this week.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
At the beginning of the week you\’ll think that you're the Bear Grylls of Edmonton but hopefully by Thursday, cleaning mud and faeces off your face will show you that you are, in fact, in a padded cell having a protest against the appalling conditions which predict the NHS cuts.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Try saying ?Red Lorry, Yellow Lorry? fast 100 times. This will be the pinnacle of your achievements this week. Layabout. Must try harder, C-.