Heckler Festival Guide: T In The Park, 11th – 13th July

It’s that time of the year again, when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing poo-filled portaloos.

Donning our best ’see you Jimmy’ hat and kilt, its time for T In The Park -  Scotland’s best music festival. And in the eyes of some people this year, a better festival than Glastonbury!

Celebrating its 15th anniversary, the festival has continued to grow and sell out due to its popularity. It’s not just the inhabitants of bonny Scotland that spend three days camping out, mind! Even people south of the border make the long journey up to Kinross due to the diverse nature of the bill.

To the poor Englishman however, anyone travelling to Scotland will probably find the thick accents something of a comical challenge to understand. We recommend bringing your best phrase book to try and translate what has been said.

However, it’s not just T In The Park happening this weekend. In Ireland, Oxygen festival is also taking place and the two festivals share the majority of the bill with a few minor alterations. So we will tell you the bands/artists you should be seeing and avoiding if you are attending either of these fine festivals. For the purposes of this, we will go off line up at T In The Park:

Friday – Go Go Go!

The Music – We heard nothing by this lot for ages, so a return on the live circuit can only mean new material.

Chemical Brothers – Alongside the arse-grinding music the two non-related blokes perform are fancy visuals to make you gawp in awe.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Alphabeat – Yes, we’ve all had their bubblegum songs trapped in our heads but that doesn’t make it popular does it?

Scouting For Girls – We can vomit up more melodies then they seem to be able to produce.

Saturday – Go go go!

Eddy Grant – You’re never short of a good singalong with Eddy. His electric avenue sounds fun too.

Rage Against The Machine – Feeling angry and pent up with frustration inside? You are? Brilliant! Go to the main stage and smash your fellow gig goer around to this lot, then!

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

The Kooks – As enjoyable as spending £7 on a organic goose burger and, ten minutes later, shitting out your large intestine.

Will Young – *Insert your own reason here, we’ve got to many.*

Sunday – Go go go!

Aphex Twin – Live shows are rare as rocking horse shit and not to be missed. Depending on his move, machine gun gabba or acid house could be coming your way.

British Sea Power – Gigs can often end in injury for fans and band members. Crazy stage sets also make the experience a lot more enjoyable.

Sunday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Bowling For Soup – Horrid American gash pop guitar music that appeals to teenagers who think this will make them rebellious.

Amy Winehouse – Forget any possibility of decent performance. She’ll either be off smacking punters at the barrier, screaming for her Blake or falling over on stage.