It’s that time of the year again when music lovers gather in a field to celebrate the thing they love: live music.

There are all sorts of festivals to cater for all sorts of musical tastes in all four corners of the world. The main ones kick off at this time of year and hecklerspray is here to tell you all you need to know about each festival, who the essential people are to see and which act to avoid so you can queue up for the overflowing poo-filled portaloos.

Here it comes again, the daddy of the UK festival and the creation of one mad farmer that has spawned hundreds of crap clones - Glastonbury. Known to typically piss it down whenever it's held, this doesn’t stop thousands of people gathering in fields fill of cowshit to enjoy music from all over the world.

Unlike other festivals like T in the Park, V, Oxygen and Leeds/Reading, Glastonbury tends to have a more unique bill. Most bands who have albums to promote will be playing at all of the above in the attempt to get you to buy a copy and not nick off it the web.

For the first time in years, you can still reportedly buy tickets for this coming weekend. It’s a first for Glastonbury as most of the time, the tickets fly quicker then one of Naomi Campbell’s punches. A whole host of reasons have been blamed. People are reportedly sick of the weather and don’t want to spend their weekend covered in mud and having unplanned wrestling fights with people who are off their tits on ketamine. But the more popular excuse is the choice of headliner!

Apparently, everyone believes Glastonbury is a rock festival and anyone who doesn’t have a guitar isn’t allowed to come and play. The brains of Oasis, Noel Gallagher, believes that because Jay-Z is a hip-hop artist, he shouldn’t be allowed to headline. Maybe his band of no-hopers would have been asked if they’d made a decent album since Definitely Maybe and hadn’t ballsed up their previous appearances over petty arguments.

Noel probably forgets that the rock vibe of the festival transferred over from a folk festival from when it was initially started out. Maybe the future of hip-hop scares him. But as we’ve mentioned, there is plenty of talent for people to watch this weekend. Be it an established band or something new and a bit unique.

Friday – Go go go!

Foals – Because they hail from Brighton, this apparently makes them 10% trendier then us, which isn’t hard. Soon to be massive, they’ve done well to make it on to the Other Stage.

Glasvegas –They will be your new favorite band by the end of the year.

Friday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Pete Doherty – We’ll be amazed if he either a) turns up as scheduled or b) does his set without some sort of narcotic in his system.

The Hoosiers – When they come on, it may be time to go to the toilet. However, don’t go and queue at the bog, piss in your empty bottle and throw it at this poor excuse for a band.

Saturday – Go go go!

Massive Attack – Groundbreaking band who created an entire genre. Expect them to showcase new material from an overdue album. Bootlegs on Youtube sound promising.

Jay-Z – Tons of people have slagged him off, but no-one knows what he’s going to bring to the festival. At least give him a chance. And his wife is hot.

Saturday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Black Kids – One of those bands who are meant to be cutting edge but are just a bit of a let down. Why they need two synth players is beyond us. They're not producing the sounds of Glastonbury legends Orbital on them that’s for sure.

Cerys Matthews – She was that jungle women whose career in Catatonia bombed after that song about two characters from the X-Files. Has she released anything since all the Australian insects?

Sunday – Go go go!

UNKLE – Live sets are rare and always an experience. Because it’s a festival gig, expect a lot of possible guests to collaborate.

Martina Topley Bird – Amazing voice, but hasn’t been noticed because she doesn’t fall out of London clubs with her tits hanging out. An undiscovered talent.

Sunday – Avoid Like The Plague:

Mark Ronson – Learn to play your own fucking songs and stop being such a smug twat.

The Verve – Headlining ten years later than expected, it’s a gig for balding men to go all Britpop on everyone’s ass. New song Love Is Noise is gash.

There’s so much more we’d recommend without bleating on, but we’re sure you’ll encounter Ethiopian free style Jazz on your own. Or with a drunk hippie.