Heather Mills: The Weird Finger Throat-Slash Court Threat

We'd have loved to be a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling - and not just so we could puke on everyone's food and make them ill.

No, in short we'd like to have been a fly on the wall at the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce ruling because it sounds like Heather Mills went properly berserk.

Although it's common knowledge that Heather Mills tipped a bunch of water over Paul McCartney's lawyer's head in court, it's now been claimed that Heather Mills also started slashing her fingers across her throat at Fiona Shackleton in court. And, as all schoolchildren know, that's literally the worst threat you can give. Fiona Shackleton is lucky that Heather Mills didn't mean business, or she's be fishing her pencil case from on top of the woodwork block by now.

Being Heather Mills can't be that much fun, because each of her victories come strapped to a larger failure. Take her recent divorce from Paul McCartney - Heather Mills won $24.3 million in a day, more than the average worker would earn in 800 years, but the money came with a divorce ruling that basically called Heather Mills a massive twat.

Worse still, Heather Mills apparently marked the end of the divorce by pouring a jug of water over the head of Paul McCartney's lawyer Fiona Shackleton. Although the ethics of making such a scene are slightly ropey, it must have been incredibly satisfying for Heather to get her own back like that. At least until everyone saw that the water had squashed down Shackleton's gigantic bouffant haircut and made her about 30% sexier in the process.

True, that still put Fiona Shackleton's sexiness percentage at about minus five, but it must have made Heather Mills feel pretty stupid.

And if today's reports are correct then it didn't stop there. As well as tipping water over Fiona Shackleton's head, Heather Mills also made a throat-slash gesture with her fingers directly at her, in the way that we thought only pikeys and fictional pirates did. The Sun reports:

Furious Heather Mills made a throat-slashing gesture at Sir Paul McCartney’s victorious divorce lawyer, The Sun can reveal. Mucca, 40, glared across court at Fiona Shackleton and drew two fingers across her throat. The dramatic moment came shortly after the divorce ruling that exposed Heather as a scheming fantasist and left her with a £24million settlement – just a fifth of what she wanted. Mucca had read Mr Justice Bennett’s damning judgment and realised that Shacka’s courtroom success had left her reputation in tatters. A source said: “Paul thought Heather had gone completely off her rocker. He was shocked because it was so completely out of order and just not the way to conduct yourself in court.”

However, let's not rush to conclusions - none of us were there so we don't know if Heather Mills really did the throat-slash at Fiona Shackleton. And if she did, who's to say that it was meant in the terrifying 'I'll find you and slash your throat' threat way. For all we know, Heather Mills could have been motioning to her throat to tell Shackleton how deep in whipped cream, cherries and translucent bondage gear she was when she made that German sex book of hers in the eighties.

If it was a genuine threat, though, then Heather Mills has been dreadfully shortsighted. Not only would it suggest that she could be held in contempt of court for her behaviour, but it's hardly likely to endear her to the next elderly out-of-touch multimillionaire that she decides to briefly get married to. Accusations of stabbing they can live with, but finger-slashing a lawyer? What ghastly form.

Read more:

Mucca's Slasher Threat To Shacka - The Sun