Heather Mills Gets Trapped Like An Animal In Court Or Something

It must be difficult getting as much attention as Heather Mills does, especially when you - like her - go out of your way to shun the limelight by only marrying one legendary musician and only appearing on one huge-rated American TV show.

But Heather Mills is subjected to the unwanted intrusions of the press every single day, no matter what she's doing. Even the sight of Heather Mills wheeling her bike into a subway tunnel is enough for the paparazzi to start foaming in the mouth with anticipation that her leg'll fall off or she'll abruptly start rubbing dairy products over her naked boobs again. And Heather Mills is totally cool with this - unless a photographer tries to touch her, in which case she'll have them arrested for assault so she can howl in court that the experience made her feel like a "trapped animal." To some extent, that's what happened yesterday.

Heather Mills is just a normal person and can't possibly understand why she gets all the attention that she does. After all, normal people break into farms and point at pigs all the time and you never hear about it. But when Heather Mills does, the pictures are all over the place. And, really, who hasn't suddenly done an elaborate dance routine on a plane for everyone's amusement at one point or another? That's not attention seeking, that's normal behaviour.

But when Heather Mills does this normal behaviour she's taken to task over it. All Heather Mills did was marry one of the most famous men in the world only to split up with him, make wild claims about how often he stabbed her and demand £10,000 a day from him, and then do a bunch of backflips on a TV show. Normal normal normal. And, for some reason, Heather Mills doing all this means that photographers think they can follow her around and trap her in tunnels like an animal and assault her and stuff.

Heather Mills went to court yesterday over this very matter, to accuse photographer Jay Kaycappa of assault after he apparently grabbed her by the shoulder in Brighton on July 5 last year. According to Metro, Heather Mills says she wheeled her bike into a subway tunnel to avoid the photographers when the unthinkable happened - there was a photographer waiting for her at the other end:

She said: "I panicked and thought I'll go back the other way and that's when I turned round and saw Mr Kaycappa. "I felt concerned … because I had one there and one there and I felt like a trapped animal so I turned into the wall to get on my phone." [Prosecutor] Mr Sullivan said: "Since Ms Mills-McCartney and her estranged husband announced their split it would appear that members of the press have followed Ms Mills-McCartney and have waited near her home."

How unlucky for Heather Mills - it's almost like, by going into a tunnel in the first place, Heather was effectively limiting her escape routes to two or something. Anyway, Jay Kaycappa denies the assault charge - plus photos of the event show Heather Mills throwing a bottle of water over a photographer but no photos of Heather Mills being assaulted herself.

Whatever the outcome of this case, everyone will win to some extent - Heather Mills has sent a warning to photographers and would-be death threats senders that you don't mess with her, Jay Kaycappa has a new reputation as the hard man of celebrity photography that will serve him well, and everyone else who likes seeing Heather Mills in court can get their fill, too. And, since Heather Mills kept phoning the police so much until they told her to shut up, there's every chance she'll be back in court again and again and again.

The question is, will Heather Mills be able to top the genius 'trapped animal' analogy next time? Maybe next time Heather will say that a man stepping in front of her car to take her picture made her feel like a beautiful canary in a shoebox, or perhaps if a man looks at her funny she can take him to court and say that it made her feel like Jesus Christ on the fucking cross being machine-gunned to death by Nazi dinosaurs. Or whatever.

Read more:

Heather Felt 'Like Trapped Animal - Metro