Poor, adorable Harry Styles is having a rough week. First, a fan beaned him in the crotch with her shoe while he was on-stage. Then, his band was viciously attacked in the press by Jake Bugg, whoever the fuck that is.
And then, Harry got a figurative kick in the nuts from the NME Awards, being named Villain of the Year, and One Direction pegged as Worst Band. What’s next, World? Can’t you give this poor millionaire, mega-star, pussy-hound a break?
It all began when One Direction was performing in Glasgow. A sneaker flew onto the stage. Harry picked it up and was undoubtedly about to return it to the audience member, Cinderella-style, slipping it romantically back onto her waiting foot, proposing to her, and sweeping her off into the sunset.
But before he had a chance, the shoe’s twin cracked him right in the balls. (Possibly it was that vengeful bitch, Taylor Swift … who knows.)
Harry crashed theatrically to the ground, clutching his business and moaning. (Though we all know it couldn’t have hurt that much, because his dick was probably numb anyway from those tight pants cutting off his circulation.) Because he’s a fighter, he miraculously popped back up, none the worse for wear. He did a few lunges, presumably to get everything rearranged, and then the show went on, with Harry’s voice just the tiniest bit squeakier.
A local teenager admitted to a radio show that she was the phantom shoe-chucker, explaining that it wasn’t her intention to rack Harry.
“I just wanted him to touch something belonging to me. I didn’t mean to hit him where I hit him. I’m really embarrassed.”
I suppose she did it in the intense heat of the moment, understandably riled up by that quintet of scrawny sex bombs, but evidently she hadn’t thought it through very well. Was she prepared to be barefoot for the rest of the night? Perhaps tossing something less vital and less likely to injure, like a hankie, would have been a better choice.
Apparently, security made a move to have her ejected, but the band, those sweet boys, intervened, and she was allowed to stay for the rest of the show AND her shoes were generously returned to her. (Way to teach a lesson, guys … now she’s probably going to rack the performers at every show she goes to.)
The very next day, with his manhood barely recovered, Harry took another blow, being named Villain of the Year at the NME Awards and One Direction being honored as Worst Band. Harry did handle it gracefully though, tweeting:
“Thank you to @NME for my award tonight. Gotta take the rough with the smooth eh?”
My advice to Harry is: cut your hair. Though your music is wretched, you are adorable … but I’m really tired of that fucking hair. Chop that shit off.