Halloween seems to have lost its bite lately. What’s scary about a couple of children with sheets on their heads asking for confectionery? Nothing.

So how can we make Halloween scary again? Simple – puppets. Puppets and dolls are easily the scariest thing in the entire world. Look at them, staring at you with their cold, dead eyes. They’re terrifying. And we’re pretty sure they all come to life at night and watch you sleep. Seriously, 9‘s released today and that little doll thing freaks us out.

So in the spirit of Halloween we’ve decided to compile the definitive list of culture’s creepiest, freakiest, most uncomfortably nightmarish puppets. Enjoy. And sleep well tonight…

9 – Big Bird (Sesame Street)

At this point in time, generations of children have been taught how to count to 10 by a gigantic yellow canary with a voice like a psychologically-disturbed murderer and a beak that could quite easily stab you through the eyeball. And you wonder why the planet’s so messed up.

8 – Mr Punch (Punch and Judy)

In America they have Mickey Mouse. In England we have Mr Punch, a hard-faced monster in a funny hat so tormented by his own silly voice that he’s driven to compulsively attack his wife with a paddle while telling an audience of children that “that’s the way to do it”. At the seaside. Oh, the humanity.

7 – Billy (Saw)

Officially the scariest thing about the Saw movies, after the fact that people still inexplicably pay to watch the Saw movies. Obviously.

6 – 9 (9)

Yes, he’s technically a doll and not a puppet. And, yes, in the movie he’s actually quite adorable. But ask yourself this – what would you do if you saw him running around your house? That’s right, you’d burn him, wouldn’t you? You’d scream, and then you’d try to burn him.

5 – Skekis (The Dark Crystal)

The stuff that nightmares are made of. Thanks Jim Henson. Never has one man caused so many to wet their beds so often. We’ll give you the cleaning bill when we SEE YOU IN HELL, Henson.

4 – Chucky (Child’s Play)

Not so much because he’s an inanimate object possessed by the soul of a violent murderer. Not so much because of the thought of his tiny plastic grasping hands. No, it’s because he looks exactly like Mick Hucknall from Simply Red. We can only take so much, you know.

3 – Everyone from Peppermint Park (Peppermint Park)

They say that Peppermint Park was a straight-to-VHS children’s show from the 1980s. We’re not so sure. We think it’s a slightly recut version of the dinner scene from Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Only much, much more likely to send you into a quivering meltdown.

2 – Pinocchio (Roberto Benigni’s Pinocchio)

Not just a puppet. Not just a puppet that thinks it’s a boy. A puppet that thinks it’s a boy being played by a middle-aged man. Literally the dictionary definition of creepy. Could anything on the face of the planet be as profoundly unsettling as that?

1 – Dolmio Family (Dolmio adverts)

Well, yes. This. They’re puppets, but they like to eat meat. And as soon as they work out that humans are made out of meat, we’ll be done for.  You hear us? WE’LL BE DONE FOR. If you need us, we’ll be hiding in a cupboard, sobbing.

SPECIAL MENTIONS:

Zippy from Rainbow

Beaker from The Muppets

Hamble from Playschool

Zelda from The Terrahawks

Pob

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