Gwyneth Paltrow To Become Avon Lady

… or something remarkably similar.

Darling Gywnnie (DVDs), you see, has become the latest big-screen celebrity to jettison whatever credibility she had by signing up to become ‘the face’ (we take it that if Jennifer Lopez got the role, she’d be ‘the arse’) of multi-national cosmetics-hawkers Estee Lauder.

Gywneth will see her ‘pretty head’ - copyright Kevin Spacey (DVDs) - plastered across a "new global print and TV ad campaign to begin this holiday season" for a new stocking-filler fragrance known as ‘Pleasures.’

In a move that essentially screams "get out of the way, you shrivelled old hag," previous Estee Lauder spokeswoman Liz Hurley (DVDs) has been shoved aside, relegated down the ranks to become "the new face of the company’s Re-Nutriv skin care line." This harsh dismissal could be seen as a somewhat cruel move - provided it wasn’t so goddamned funny, of course.

"I am very proud to be a part of such a fine company," Gwyneth recited, possibly from atop a throne of wadded cash. "Its roots have been deep in the culture of classic American beauty for decades." She would have added more, but apparently had to be taken back to the lab for reprogramming.

How this move will go down with Paltrow’s husband Chris Martin (CDs) is anybody’s guess. Martin is famed for his sixth-form anti-capitalist stance and his constant scribbling of ‘Make Trade Fair’ upon every available surface. But then he’s probably too busy promoting his new album to notice the sudden influx of smelly new promotional bottles in the bathroom cabinet.

Any guesses as to who’ll be the next big-name actress to sell their integrity for the sake of a product? Amusing suggestions to hecklerspray@gmail.com. If your guess is right? We might even publish it on our glittering cyberpages.

That’s right. It’s a high-rolling game we play at hecklerspray towers…

Related stories:

Christina Ricci Sells Out To Reebok

[story by C J Davies]