Remember Revolver?

Come on – think back a couple of years. Fresh from the glowing success of previous effort Swept Away (which manages to claim the unique distinction of being the worst film ever to feature his wife Madonna) director Guy Ritchie decided that the best thing to do was 'intellectualise' his patented cockney crime film formula. Which – seeing as Ritchie probably thinks that 'intellectualise' is something you do to milk – was only going to end in tears.

And what tears they were. Variety calmly called it 'ill-advised,' the Hollywood Reporter claimed that 'one watched with increasing dismay,' while Shit Convoluted Films Made By Idiot Public Schoolboys Monthly called it 'an absolute cracker.'

With the general critical consensus against him, then, you'd think that Ritchie would be more than happy to sweep this mistake under the cine-carpet and get busy making his next steaming puddle of cack silver-screen foray.

Weeeeelll… not exactly.

Admitting that the movie was 'difficult to follow' - kind of like Stalin admitting his social policies were 'a bit extreme' - Ritchie has apparently rejigged the production for the American market, and is all ready to unleash the director's cut of his misunderstood opus stateside.

Quite what the Americans have done to deserve this remains a mystery. Sure, they recently kickstarted a war that'll probably escalate into wider Middle-East conflict and result in us all being charred to radioactive cinders by Islamic nutbags, but come on. We'd already given them Snatch. Why can't we just see that as preemptive punishment?

Baby-collectin' Madonna herself is jumping aboard the Revolver-reviving revolution, too, having helped to arrange a V.I.P preview in New York on Sunday. Among the celebrity guests subjecting themselves to this recut monstrosity will be Howard Stern, Lauren Bacall, Helena Christensen, Patricia Clarkson and Ivanka Trump. And probably Peaches Geldof, provided there's a camera she can shove her gurning squirrel-with-Rimmel features in front of.

Incidentally, hecklerspray was invited too. We won't be going though. Film Four has pretty much sewn our evening up for us: an extended version of The Avengers followed by the original cut of Ishtar, all finished off by the three-hour 'director's vision' version of Gigli.

Even more dialogue for Jennifer Lopez? Just you try and stop us.

Read More:

Madonna And Ritchie Push Revolver In US - Contactmusic