If there’s one thing that Madonna isn’t, it’s a retard. Old, gap-toothed, embarrassing, yes – but not retarded.
But tell that to Guy Ritchie. He was married to Madonna for several years, so if he says that Madonna is retarded then, yes, Madonna must be retarded. And since Guy Ritchie said that Madonna is retarded in this month’s Esquire, it must be true.
But it’s OK – Guy also says that he still loves Madonna. Aww, it’s just like Romeo & Juliet, isn’t it? A wildly offensive version of Romeo & Juliet where Juliet is about 150 years old and keeps thrusting her manky old genitals in people’s faces when they’re trying to eat.
It seems a little pointless to go over the Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce again, because it happened a long time ago and both parties have moved on so effortlessly. In fact, they’ve both pretty much reverted to exactly what they were doing before they even got married – Guy Ritchie is back making disappointing-looking films and Madonna is busy having it away with men so young that it wouldn’t surprise you if she one day stopped them on the street and wiped their faces clean with a spitty tissue.
But just because their divorce is in the past, it doesn’t mean that we’ve heard the end of it. Guy Ritchie has a new disappointing-looking film coming out soon, you see, and he needs to promote it. But how? What could he possibly talk about? The film itself? No, because he wants people to discover how disappointing it is for themselves. His previous films? No, because there’s a very real chance that an interviewer would lean in and slap his face the moment he said the word ‘Revolver‘. What does that leave? Oh, right, his marriage to Madonna.
So, a full year after anyone stopped caring, what insights into Madonna’s life could Guy Ritchie offer to Esquire? Let’s see:
“She’s a manifester, if there ever was one. First-rate manifester. Madonna makes things happen. Put Madonna up against any twenty-three-year-old, she’ll outwork them, outdance them, outperform them. The woman is broad. And, of course, here you go: I still love her… But she’s retarded, too.”
Don’t feel bad for Madonna just because Guy Ritchie called her retarded, though – almost exactly a year ago Madonna called Guy an ‘emotional retard’ during a concert, so this is his comeback. We can’t wait to hear Madonna’s rebuttal, which is due at some point in October 2010 and likely to be formed around the phrase “No, you’re retarded.” At which point, obviously, Guy Ritchie will take the bull by the horns and repeat the entire phrase back to Madonna in a slightly sarcastic way sometime around October 2011.
In fact, this weird little backwards and forwards could rumble each year until Madonna and Guy Ritchie are old and grey. Well, until Madonna is old and grey. It’ll go on until next year, that’s what we’re trying to say.