Brace yourselves for some news so unusual that your eyes might explode and your face might melt like the Nazi at the end of Raiders Of The Lost Ark just by reading it – Guy Ritchie has had his first-ever sensible thought.
Still reading? Your eyes didn't even get a little bit explodey when you read that last bit? That's a disappointment. Anyway, the news is still true, even though the layers of your face didn't turn into plasticine and dribble down your skull – Guy Ritchie has done something sensible. If reports are correct then Guy Ritchie has spat the dummy over Madonna's plans to adopt a bunch of orphans from Malawi.
In a few short years Guy Ritchie has gone from being the brightest young British movie director in a generation to being a great big international joke. As if being a slightly potatoish aristocrat who seems determined to sell himself as a cockney geezah isn't bad enough, the dodgy double-header of straight-to-video epic Swept Away and dismally-received gangster confusathon Revolver seems to mortally wounded his professional career too, which will hopefully be put out of its misery by forthcoming Ritchie gangster flick Static.
But still, Guy Ritchie's status as the luckiest pretend cockney alive remains intact because he's married to Madonna. That means Guy Ritchie gets to see Madonna strutting about in her gynotards in super-special close-up. Lucky doesn't even begin to describe it. Ahem. However, things don't always go the smoothest for Madonna and Guy Ritchie – when Guy isn't forgetting Madonna's name on TV, he's constantly arguing with her about all kinds of stuff. Stuff like Madonna's rumoured plans to adopt an orphan in Malawi.
You'll remember that Madonna made so much money from going around the world singing songs from a giant crucifix to the chagrin of everyone recently that she went off to Malawi to splash the cash on an orphan centre. That's when everyone – including the Malawi government – started saying that Madonna was going to adopt an orphan. But then Madonna denied the adoption claims, and Digitalspy thinks that it's all down to Guy Ritchie thinking that Madonna has lost her marbles:
A source close to the couple revealed that Madonna is keen to proceed, but does not have the full support of her husband. Ritchie's family are said to be wary that the whole idea could be a publicity stunt. The source commented: "Madonna is convinced it is the right thing to do but Guy has been very wary. It has led to some serious arguments and put a lot of pressure on their marriage. His family are very concerned Madonna wants an African baby as a celebrity status symbol, like Angelina Jolie."
And maybe, just maybe, this source has a point. Guy Ritchie could be right here – an African orphan is a faddish celebrity status symbol right now, but what about in years to come? What would Madonna do when the fad wears off? Throw the baby in a cupboard like her bubblegum, conical bra and the black Jesus she got off with during the Like A Prayer video? Guy Ritchie, you've pleasantly surprised us.
But, let's be clear, this doesn't mean we want you to make any more films.
[story by Stuart Heritage]