Ladies, listen up! Have you ever watched a group of women screaming at each other on a reality show and thought “I wish that was me”? Do you want to flaunt your lavish lifestyle, but don’t know how to go about doing it? Well, today is your lucky day. Here are a few helpful tips to help you reach your potential as a sparkling D-list star.
It’s no secret that real people are the television stars of today. Since the dawn of the 2000s, reality shows have gradually replaced soap operas as the world’s guilty pleasure . I mean, why watch a bunch of fictional characters getting into crazy situations when you can watch civilians get into even crazier situations? One of the most prevalent reality shows is Bravo’s Real Housewives Of… franchise. With six incarnations (Orange County, New York City, Atlanta, New Jersey, Beverly Hills & Miami), the franchise is both successful and ubiquitous. Tune in to Bravo at any time, and chances are a Housewives show will be on.
The ‘stars’ of the Housewives have enjoyed a degree of success by using the platform to their advantage. Bethenny Frankel, former New York City Housewife, promoted her Skinnygirl Margarita on the show, and has since went on to sell the drinks brand for over $100 million. That’s on top of getting her own spin-off, Bethenny Ever After, and, most recently, a daytime television series. It’s no secret, then, that many women want to appear on one of these shows. It generates a lot of exposure, which you can use to promote yourself and your products. So, being a caring philanthropist, I thought I’d give out some tips to any aspiring Housewives out there. Listen very carefully …
The first thing you need in order to be a Real Housewife is money, or at least the illusion of money. The supposed purpose of the series is to showcase the glamorous lifestyles of a group of classy ladies, so a potential housewife needs to have a lifestyle that the viewers will be jealous of. Nowhere is this more evident than in the Beverly Hills incarnation, where most of the women live in palatial mansions in one of the world’s most expensive zip codes.
“But Ross, I don’t have any money. How am I supposed to get on the show?”
That’s an easy one. To be on the show, you do have to have a lot of money, but it doesn’t technically have to be your money. What you have to do is max out all of your credit cards, take out a high interest loan and buy a big house. It’s a win-win situation: you appear to be wealthy and glamorous to viewers, and your inevitable bankruptcy will result in an engrossing storyline that will ensure your return to the show. This tactic has worked for Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Teresa filed for Chapter 11 in 2010, claiming $11 million in debt – gaudy, shiny clothing must be more expensive than I thought. Teresa’s desperation to keep herself above the bread line, and out of prison, has resulted in the worst case of fame-whoring I’ve ever seen. She’s written books, created a Skinnygirl-knockoff alcoholic drink, and even appeared as a contestant on the always ridiculous Celebrity Apprentice. Her financial woes may not be nice for her, but it’s certainly entertaining for us.
Once you’ve got yourself some money, you need to spend it in appropriate ways. If you’re looking for fame, the smartest way to spend your cash is on a copious amount of plastic surgery. You’re never going to get on television with flabby arms or a forehead that moves. What kind of surgery should you go for? That depends on your location. If you want to get on the Housewives of Orange County, focus on going blonde and getting fake tits. Beverly Hills, on the other hand, is all about the face. You aren’t accepted as beautiful until your face resembles a skating rink and your lips look like they are about to burst. What else would you expect from a series that is based in Los Angeles? Lisa Vanderpump (not a porn actor, apparently) is arguably the most plastic of all the Beverly Hills ladies. Her appearance has been a topic of conversation for a lot of viewers. In fact, my own sister once said to me: “Even though it’s obvious that Lisa has had surgery, I think she looks good for her age.” Unfortunately for Lisa, my sister had assumed that she was in her mid-60s, rather than her early 50s. Sorry, Lis.
Let’s get away from the looks now and focus on perhaps the most important aspect in getting you on a reality show – your personality. The Housewives often get high and mighty about being themselves and not acting up for the cameras. However, unless ‘yourself’ is an attention-seeking, aggressive egomaniac; you’re going to have trouble staying on the show. Bravo is notorious for firing cast members they deem to be uninteresting (Alex McCord of New York, DeShawn Snow of Atlanta), so you’d better think about making yourself a bit more TV-friendly before you enter the show.
One thing that every Housewife needs is a penchant for unnecessary conflict. If one of the other ladies has done something to irritate you, you can’t keep your feelings inside. You have to meet her in a public setting and blow the whole situation out of proportion. After all, that makes better television. Even if you do resolve whatever conflict you are having, you can never really get over it. In order to be a successful Housewife, you must constantly talk about the fight with the other ladies, and hold the grudge until you can continue the fight at the reunion show. It’s all very complicated.
This grudge-holding was perfectly executed by Kelly Bensimon, arguably the most batshit crazy cast member of all time. This clip showcases Kelly’s overblown reaction to the smallest of situations, as she takes Bethenny to task for making fun of her. The only thing better than Kelly’s attempt at conflict is poor Bethenny’s response. She obviously didn’t realise how much of a nutcase Kelly really is.
So, there you have it. If you want to be a successful star of The Real Housewives … , you must: spend a lot of money on material goods, inject your face and body with a plethora of chemicals, and start fights with your co-stars in order to make the show exciting. I wish you the best of luck. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy; the world of reality television is sink or swim. However, I am saying that it’ll be pretty hard to sink with huge tits and a terrible personality keeping you afloat.