If last night’s Oscars taught us anything, it’s that George Clooney can do no wrong.

There he was, right in the front row, pulling a thousand faces that made him look like everything from a bored child in church to a bored child in church with a nasty case of intestinal parasites, and the ladies still swooned all over him. Why? Because George Clooney and his ilk are lotharios. If only you could be more like him, eh? Eh?

Luckily, we’re here to help. To make sure that everyone has the chance to become an old-school jet-setting charmer like Clooney or Brad Pitt or Roger Moore, we’ve knocked up this handy guide to becoming an international charmer. Enjoy, and thank us later…

Dress code

At first we were going to suggest a sharp Don Draper-style suit, but that’s no good. A hit with the ladies he may be, but Draper’s all about work. Imagine what a sweltering wreck you’d be if you spent your summer strolling around Capri in a full suit and tie. No, to pull this look off, you have to think like the masters – what you need is a tiny pair of Speedos, with a velvet smoking jacket to set it off in the evenings. As for accessories, you can never go wrong with a giant gold medallion nestled in a luxurious mane of chest hair. You may also like to think about experimenting with a moustache.

Transport

To become a true international lothario, you’ll need a yacht and a tiny Italian sports car. But then you’ll only be a good international lothario, and they’re ten a penny. If you want to be a great international lothario, why not invest in a helicopter? After all, any idiot can drive a car along the Amalfi coast, but only a true jet-setter can zoom over it in their own chopper with three giggling supermodels on each arm. Be sure to throw your head back and laugh like you haven’t got a care in the world every couple of miles, too. You’re much more likely to crash as a result of doing this, but what do you care? You don’t fear death, you’re rich!

Accent

Remember, you’re an international lothario. Blathering away in your natural Billericay accent won’t get you anywhere. You need to sound witty and profound and charming and deep if you’re going to ahead with the European glamourcenti. So why not take a leaf out of Daniel Day Lewis’s book? In Nine, Daniel adopted a bizarre mid-European accent so utterly bewildering that the likes of Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Marion Cotillard and Nicole Kidman couldn’t help but throw themselves at him. Remember, nothing is sexier than sounding a bit like Borat’s developmentally-challenged younger nephew.

Hobbies

As a man of incredible style and wealth, you’ll need to find something to occupy your time. And playing Mario Kart in your pants probably won’t square with your new image as a jet-setting charmer. You could collect art, or become a wine buff, or learn to appreciate opera – but that’s hardly exciting. Some form of sporting activity works well – look at what a dollop of tennis prowess did for noted jetsetter Jacques D’Azur, on and off the court – but if you’re going to do something, you may as well do it properly. So why not develop a side career as a master criminal instead? It’ll ensure that you remain a member of the idle rich, it’ll keep you in expensive clothes, it’ll give you a hint of danger that will drive the ladies wild and – if Danger: Diabolik is any indication – you’ll get to live in a psychedelic underground cave that contains a giant, rotating, money-covered bed. Plus you get to wear all-in-one leather ninja suits, too. How many wine buffs can get away with that?

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