Every year they’ve come and every year they’ve made a little part of us die inside – Date Movie, Superhero Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans...

So we met the news of Disaster Movie‘s release with a kind of grim stoicism. Yes, Disaster Movie would be an awful hodge-podge of cackhanded spoofs so hopelessly broad that only the very worst kind of dribbling crosseyed halfwit would enjoy, but it’d end up as number one in the weekend box office and our burgeoning misanthropy would get another power-boost.

But no – Disaster Movie isn’t top of the US weekend box office. Disaster Movie isn’t even in the weekend box office top five. Tropic Thunder‘s still number one. Thanks, humanity! A bit!

A quick plea: if anyone wants us to write a Disaster Movie-style film, we’d be more than happy to. We’ve got the formula down already – 1) Watch the trailers to all the summer’s big movies, 2) copy some of the trailer’s key scenes exactly, 3) change it so that the characters hit their head on something. And that’s how you get to the top of the weekend box office.

Except you don’t, because Disaster Movie – the movie where Hancock hits his head on a lamppost, Iron Man hits his head on a cow and Sarah Jessica Parker hits his head on the foot of an unborn baby – could only stagger to number seven in the weekend box office. And that means we’re not even going to talk about it today. Instead, here’s the US weekend box office top five…

1 - Tropic Thunder (As a successful movie, it’s only natural that Tropic Thunder will end up being spoofed in whatever the sequel to Disaster Movie is. We especially can’t wait for the scene where Ben Stiller runs across a bridge getting stabbed in the neck by a toddler… and then hits his head on a metal girder. Classic stuff) $11,500,000

2 - Babylon A.D (Babylon A.D must be an excellent film, because it’s managed to get to number two in the weekend box office even though reviewers hate it so much that it only has a 5% Rottentomatoes score and the film’s own director has described it as “like a really bad episode of 24″. Seriously, Babylon AD must be the best film ever!) $9,700,000

3 - The Dark Knight (Dunno what this is. Sounds like it’s about swords and wizards and shit like that) $8,750,000

4 – The House Bunny (Wouldn’t it be funny if a sexy Playboy bunny went to school? No? Actually that sounds like a fairly positive and constructive thing to do if you’re a Playboy bunny or anyone else who trades off nothing more than their finite youthful good looks for their living? Oh. Oh well in that case we’re sorry) $8,300,000

5 - Traitor (Uh-oh, look at this – Traitor is number five in the weekend box office and Disaster Movie is only number seven. The work on next year’s Somber Absorbing And Only Moderately Preposterous FBI Movie starts tomorrow, chaps) $7,900,000

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Weekend Box Office – Box Office Mojo