Gordon Ramsay, the angriest chef ever to closely resemble a pensioner's testicle, has decided that the British don't eat well enough – and the only way to counter this is to stick a fork in Quick Draw McGraw and gobble him up for tea.
That's right, Gordon Ramsay has decided that the British should be more like the French and eat as many horses as possible, saying that horses are both tasty and full of delicious goodness. Did we mention that Gordon Ramsay has a new series of The F-Word to promote, and that he'd probably urge the public to eat the eyeballs out of newborn babies if he thought it'd make a single person turn over and watch his ridiculous programme? We meant to.
Gordon Ramsay is a national institution, just like Bruce Forsyth and dysentery. The way that Gordon Ramsay has single-handedly transformed the British restaurant scene by going to bad restaurants and shouting at beleaguered chefs about the size of their genitals every day for a week has been exemplary.
And it has made Gordon Ramsay a megastar. He has his own hit show in America and the grotesque, near-compulsive way he waggles his chicken-skin manboobs about on every single TV programme he's on has earned him the title of world's scariest celebrity. Despite all this, though, Gordon Ramsay still feels the need to inflict The F-Word on us – a show so bad that Ramsay has to make up a load of cobblers about how delicious horses are to get people to watch it. The Telegraph reports:
Ramsay reveals his horse meat stance in a new series of The F-word, which starts on Tuesday on Channel 4. The Scottish-born chef admits: "I've eaten horse", and says that it is healthy, with lots of iron and half the fat of beef and far more Omega 3 essential fatty acids. He describes horse meat as "slightly gamey" and "packed with protein".
Predictably, Gordon Ramsay's eaty horsey proposal has shocked the nation to the core, with words like "abhorrent" and "irresponsible" being bandied around willy nilly by people who don't seem to realise that the reason British people don't eat horse is because it tastes like slightly bad beef and not because horses are lovely creatures that princesses ride in meadows.
And this controversy has ensured that the new series of The F-Word has been well and truly promoted, meaning that all sorts of people will now tune in to see Gordon Ramsay scream abuse at average members of the public because they aren't as good at doing the thing that he's done professionally for two decades which is only effing cooking dinner for people anyway.
But even though this 'eat more horses' thing is clearly a transparent attempt to get people to watch a show about a man becoming violent because some scallops have been vaguely overcooked, perhaps Gordon Ramsay is onto something. By eating horses, not only would the British learn to value taste over sentimentality, but also it'd mean that all those horses that Harry Potter goes around stabbing in the nude all day don't go to waste.