It's a little-known fact that the dictionary definition of the word 'scary' reads 'a craggy faced man who screams at people day and night even though he's basically a jumped-up dinner lady,' which fits Gordon Ramsay nicely.
And it's just as well, too, because Gordon Ramsay has been voted as the scariest celebrity in the country by the Radio Times. As far as we know, Gordon Ramsay got the nod as the scariest celebrity because all he ever seems to do is bellow at people who aren't chefs because they can't cook chicken as well as he can, and not for the way his face looks like a testicle that's been left in some bathwater for a week, or the way that he flirts with Martine McCutcheon at any opportunity he gets, even though that's by far the scariest thing Gordon Ramsay has ever done.
It's not a new thing for British people to be seen as villains. As if the whole 'British Empire' thing wasn't enough, there was also briefly a time a few years ago where every action movie baddie you'd see would inexplicably be a classically-trained British Shakespearean actor. Lately though, the British have got to be scary to people on television – and none are scarier than Gordon Ramsay. Gordon Ramsay is transatlantically scary, or at least as scary as a man who just cooks dinner all day can actually be.
The scariness of Gordon Ramsay comes in three main forms; there's Gordon's Kitchen Nightmares scary, where Gordon Ramsay is scary to genuine idiots who are crap at owning restaurants; there's Hell's Kitchen scary, where Gordon Ramsay is scary to fat Americans for cooking food badly and then lets a woman win because she has bigger breasts than the others; and there's F Word scary – the scariest of all because that's when Gordon Ramsay a) is scary to the public for not cooking from scratch every night even though most of them have jobs that don't involve standing around in a kitchen lording it about like fucking Napoleon, b) is scary to people who aren't professionally-trained cooks for not being as good as professionally-trained cooks and c) is scary to other chefs because they have opportunistic cookbooks out even though Gordon Ramsay and his sodding wife both have opportunistic cookbooks out.
All in all, this has added up to make Gordon Ramsay the scariest celebrity in the eyes of the Radio Times, and it's probably right since Gordon Ramsay actually sues people who says he isn't scary. But this is a top ten list, so Gordon Ramsay has to share the glory. Here's the full top ten list of scary celebrities:
1 – Gordon Ramsay
2 – Anne Robinson (Not scary because of The Weakest Link – scary because she's ginger)
3 – John McCririck (Over-compensatingly obnoxious misogynist whale who lives in his bed. Would have ranked higher if he hadn't won the nation's heart by making Edwina Curry cry on Wife Swap the other week)
4 – Jeremy Paxman (Says the same thing to politicians over and over again without ever letting them answer)
5 – Fanny Cradock (Like Gordon Ramsay, but a woman. Also has a slightly ruder name)
6 – Derren Brown (Easily the scariest person on the list; he doesn't shout at people – he actually convinces people to murder other people with guns)
7 – Sir Alan Sugar (About as scary as an embroidered cushion, unless you count 'thinking that making rubbishy email phones and models of his own face makes him world's biggest tycoon' as scary)
8 – Barbara Woodhouse (Shouted at dogs for a living)
9 – Trinny and Susannah (Scary in the sense that people still let Trinny and Susannah tell them how to dress even though we swear blind we saw the skinny one wearing nothing but a great big rubber glove a few days ago)
10 – Simon Cowell (Only made the list because he's started to wear his shirts unbuttoned to the navel. In England. In October)
[story by Stuart Heritage]