The thing we like most about Gordon Ramsay – other than the saggy moobs that he insists on whipping out every three or four seconds – is his honesty; the man has never ever faked a single thing ever his in entire life. Ever.
Unless you count spearing a sea bass as 'something', put it that way. As part of his bewildering The F Word show last year, Gordon Ramsay went fishing for sea bass – first trying to swear the fish into submission, then attempting to use all the deep crevasses in his face as a sort of fleshy mousetrap for fish and finally by spearing them with help from an expert. However, the expert has now come forward to say that Gordon Ramsay didn't actually catch any of the fish that The F Word said he did, leading to the show's producers receiving a written reprimand from Channel Four, which is still recovering from the Celebrity Big Brother scandal, the You Say We Pay scandal and the scandal about Ugly Betty not really being as ugly as people say in real life.
Gordon Ramsay is a man of dignity and principal. Gordon Ramsay's straightforward demeanour on shows like Hell's Kitchen has earnt him the title of scariest celebrity ever and won him all sorts of international awards. Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares is so judderingly true to life that Gordon Ramsay will sue you if you say it's faked, while simultaneously getting sued by people who say it is fake. And then there's The F Word.
The F Word, you see, is a mess. For those of you who have never seen The F Word, it's a sort of frenzied magazine programme that lurches between Gordon Ramsay urging the public to eat all manner of disgusting things like horses and tripe and blood and terminally-ill orphans, Gordon Ramsay teaching Cat Deeley how to open a champagne bottle with a sword and Gordon Ramsay literally killing any animal he sees. Only he's not so good at the killing animals bit.
Last August an episode of The F Word showed Gordon Ramsay swimming out to sea, spearing a sea bass and then cooking it up in a delicious way. The message was simple – Gordon Ramsay is a skilled hunter-gatherer and we should all probably build a giant golden mooby statue of him out of respect or something. But now it's transpired that the whole thing was fake and Gordon Ramsay is about as good at fishing as Judy Finnigan is at Jenga. On the show Gordon Ramsay said:
“I feel like a fucking action man… I have got three stunning sea bass. I have never caught a fish from a spear and it’s not bad for first time out.”
But now, as The Times reports, Gordon Ramsay actually caught bugger all:
“I went in 20 minutes before everyone else to make sure we had fish to put on the barbecue,” said Dave O’Callaghan, a member of the British spearfishing squad with more than 20 years’ experience. “I caught about four and then Gordon got in and we spent about an hour in the water. When we came back in we threaded the fish onto a stringer and he carried them. “Put it like this: Gordon Ramsay caught fuck all.”
This Gordon Ramsay fake fishing incident is just the latest in a number of high profile TV cock-ups. Although the BBC has copped most of the heat in recent days after making the Queen look all demented, Channel Four has made its fair share of mistakes, too. First came the Celebrity Big Brother racism cover-up, then the scandal over its You Say We Pay competition and finally the way it repeatedly calls The Friday Night Project a 'comedy' when really it's an abject voyage into misery so unrelentingly bleak that most normal people would rather just slash their wrists than put up with the sight of Justin Lee Collins gurning around in an unfunny wig for even a fraction of a second.
So Channel Four has unreservedly apologised over the faked fishing F Word incident, and the station's head of features has written a reprimand to The F Word's production company. Let's hope that she doesn't need to write another reprimand when she discovers that in June this year Gordon Ramsay made another mistake when he shouted "Grow some fucking testicles big boy, yes? Uh?" at a cowering estate agent who couldn't cook a souffle as well as a professional chef when really he meant to say "Grow some fucking testicles big boy, uh? Yes?"