Gordon Ramsay Allowed To Eat Nothing But Puffin Heart Forever

As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.

Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.

Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him - every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.

If the wooly-minded liberals in charge of this country had their way, we’d never be allowed to chase after animals with a net and then eat out their hearts as soon as we’ve caught them. Imagine a Britain where you couldn’t catch a rat and eat its heart. Or a dog. Or a monkey. Or a lollipop lady. It’s political correctness gone mad.

But one person who doesn’t give a hoot about political correctness is Gordon Ramsay. He doesn’t care who he offends - Paul McCartney, people who don’t like the idea of eating horses, anyone not completely into the sight of a furious cook constantly going “Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes? Uh?” like a tramp trying to bum his own reflection - because he’s Gordon bloody Ramsay. Yes?

Why doesn’t Gordon Ramsay care who he offends? Because he’s overcompensating wildly for having a traditionally female job? Well, yes, but also… no, actually that’s it. That’s the only reason.

But thank God for that, otherwise Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t have gone on The F-Word a few weeks ago and eaten the heart right out of a puffin he’d just caught in a net.

If you missed it, it was a brilliant piece of television. So long as your definition of ‘brilliant’ is ’slightly gruesome and deliberately, tediously controversial’, that is. In the end, 42 people complained about Gordon’s heart-eating antics, but more fool them because Ofcom has told Gordon Ramsay that he didn’t do anything wrong. BBC News reports:

The regulator said the sequence was not in breach as it occurred in Iceland, where the puffin forms a popular part of the national diet. It also noted the birds were killed in a humane way with minimal suffering. Viewers had complained that the practice of killing puffins was cruel, the local tradition of eating their fresh hearts was offensive, and that, whilst not protected, puffins were a species under threat.

Yeah, under threat because they’re so bloody delicious.

Look, to be honest we can see everyone’s side of the argument. The viewers complained because Gordon Ramsay ate the heart out of an animal that’s under threat, and Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart because he’s an attention-seeking bellend who’d eat his own mother’s tits off if it got him a couple of decent headlines. So we’ve come to the only logical conclusion.

Battery-reared puffins. It’s obvious. Get 500,000 puffins, squish them into a shed the size of a bedside cabinet, pull their beaks off, never let them see daylight and there isn’t a problem any more. The puffins are no longer under threat, Gordon Ramsay gets to eat as many puffin hearts as he likes and Jamie Oliver has something new to bitch about on the telly. Everyone’s happy.