Lured?by a potent combo of residual childhood affection,?a twisted?masochist instinct, and, most importantly, the promise of a Goonies mini-reunion, I found myself?watching MTV’s premiere of the music video for Corey Feldman?s new song.
Yes, Corey Feldman. While it wasn’t quite as?terrible as I expected it to be, the video was pretty fucking bad … like an overly-staged episode of “Cribs” on fast forward.?The song itself, called “Ascension Millennium,”?was way synthesized.?And The Goonies bit was too short.
It’s hard for me to criticize a Corey, so let’s start with the best part of the video:?a very brief cameo by Corey?s Goonies co-star, Sean Astin. Before?Sean was Samwise, he was Mikey, my asthmatic, treasure-seeking?boyfriend.
In the music video, Sean/Mikey?waits with infinite patience for?Corey as he examines a treasure map?…?One-Eyed Willy’s treasure map, obviously?…?standing beside the statue of David (with its wang intact), and Corey tosses him his inhaler. If you know anything about the majestic glory of The Goonies, you will recognize the significance of those props.
So now back to the rest of the video.?Corey wakes up in bed with a topless chick. He showers … magically emerging with a sluttishly heavy coating of eyeliner …?and stomps down a staircase accompanied by two ladies in angelic under-things. Sean Astin is at the bottom of the stairs … we’ve already covered that. Then Corey goes out to the pool, where, of course, there?s a party goin? on, evidently sponsored by Neon Energy Drink. But maybe it’s too warm, because Corey goes right back inside, does some rather sad MJ tribute moves, with the fedora and the whole bit. Then he eats some pancakes, watches some TV, and joins his bandmates in a practice space to rock out for a quick sec before heading back to bed. And that’s it. It was a long day, guys.
As I said, it wasn’t as terrible as I expected it to be. Corey looks very angry for someone waking up with such a disproportionately pretty woman and hosting such a nice party. And it could easily have been improved if Sloth had been reclining by the pool or Rosalita had handed him the plate of pancakes. But we take what we can get.