Goon From The Darkness – Why I’m Doing Eurovision
Yesterday, hecklerspray revealed this year's hopeful acts for the Eurovision Song Contest. While most artists from the UK usually gun for a Brit or a Mercury Music prize, some acts don’t want national fame for their musical ability. Instead, they’d rather be laughed off the face of the planet.
One individual in particular didn’t need The Eurovision Song Contest for us to mock and scorn him. We did it when he fronted wanky-sounding band The Darkness. The only honour he had in the hecklerspray office was when we used a picture of his face to throw darts at. While the other no-hopers want to represent the UK in Eurovision for a quick career boost, Justin Hawkins had other reasons…
They say that the best ideas for inspiration come from dreams, and history had shown this. Unless you are historically inept, you'll be familiar with Dr Martin Luther King Jr. His dream was for black and white people to be equal and, sometime later, this dream came true. Phew, that’s the serious stuff over with.
Piss-poor Freddie Mercury soundalike Justin Hawkins sadly also has a dream, and this was to do Eurovision. He told the rough-looking showbiz reporter from The Sun:
“I had a dream that I should do it.”
Maybe Justin Hawkins was getting it confused with a nightmare – making a complete twat of yourself in front of a few hundred million people isn’t our idea of a dream. But maybe that’s what taking drugs does to you – they must distort your take on reality. Maybe we shouldn’t have let him come out of rehab; locking Justin away in a steel volt deep beneath the earth's crust now doesn’t seem like a bad idea. If we let him subject Europe to his whiny tones for Eurovision, this will amount to a comeback. Something we neither particularly need or want.
Brian Harvey should be given the role of making our glorious nation look like simpletons this year. The bloke amazingly ran himself over, so he at least deserves some kind of reward for his self-inflicted injuries. Though, at least he did the damage before anyone from hecklerspray could mow him down in our pimped our Hummer. Complete with extra spears to impale him on.
The idea of miserable bastard Morrissey doing Eurovision now actually seems to be an appealing offer. It would be quite amusing to watch people from around the continent all spontaneously reach for the knife draw and begin to slice their wrists open as they bask in the pain, suffering and sorrow like the unhappy bloke from The Smiths.
Hecklerspray has a dream. We dream that one day, somebody credible will step forward and show everyone that we don’t pump out novelty acts out all the time. Why can’t we be like Switzerland who confusingly got Canadian Celine Dion to sing for them. Yeah she’s naff, but she doesn’t sing like she’s been repeatedly kicked in the balls like the bell-end from The Darkness.
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Matthew,
I can’t help but feel you are simply describing an aspect of your own misery and ineptness, projected onto unfortunate subjects like the uber-talented Justin Hawkins.
Some religious folk say that masturbation can make you go blind, but in your case, perhaps, because you are an archetype of wrongness, you went deaf, and now you are rather frustrated because the best you are capable of expressing is miserable drivel about a singer who will always be Echelons beyond you, in both his sense of humor and musical ability.
Perhaps you should resign yourself to locking your miserable utterings only inside your own head, such that your fingers refuse to type for you, thus quarantining your misery from the World. Its the right thing to do. You’d sleep more satisfied. Really.
Luckily, the World doesn;t have to do anything in revenge to you, because, you come pre-sentenced to being who you already are, which is punishment enough.
Perhaps drugs would open your mind… or perhaps you simply need to learn kindness, before you can know anything that other people describe as happiness. Until then, your highs will be other peoples lows.
wtf is with this shitty website and its clearly mentally handicapped writers being such justin haters, this guy is a fucking god.
anyways, what thomas said