Goodbye Ovaries: Gosling, Bale, and Fassbender to Star in the Same Movie

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gosling bale fassbender terrence malick

Your eyes are not deceiving you. It’s true.  Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender are all set to star in a new Terrence Malick flick.

I haven’t seen Malick’s acclaimed film Tree of Life, but from the trailer I gathered that it was about a family and pretty light shining through trees. His new project doesn’t have a title yet, but it’s currently filming in Texas. It’s supposedly about intersecting love triangles or something, but the plot doesn’t matter. All that matters right now is that three of the hottest dudes in Hollywood are starring in this movie. That’s right, we’ve hit the stone cold fox trifecta; Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, and Michael Fassbender …all rolled into one.

While you attempt to assimilate this information, I’m going to give a quick run-down of why having these three fellas in one movie is recipe for a disaster; A delicious delicious disaster.

Ryan Gosling

Ryan Gosling

I would move mountains to be in this hottie with a body’s presence. To be able to bathe in his heavenly light would be the pinnacle of my existence. Did I just make Ryan Gosling sound like the messiah? Yes, yes, I did.  Plus, his unidentifiable accent is so damn enigmatic. It drives the people wild with desire. Where are you from, Ryan? You talk like a greaser, but look like a Greek God.

You really don’t even have to talk that much if you don’t want. I’ve seen Drive, so I know you’re able to sit and sulk for hours. That’s perfectly fine with me. Talking is so overrated.

Christian Bale
Christian Bale

The Dark Knight. Mr. Mysterious. Maybe in real life he’s got some anger management issues, but that just means he’s full of fire and passion! I’m trying to think of his other roles besides Bruce Wayne, but I’m drawing a blank. Oh, except for when he played Laurie in Little Women. He was sweet and nice in that role, wasn’t he? I mean, his name was Laurie after all.  I don’t think I’ve ever actually watched it all the way through because I got really bored. Wait, wasn’t he also the loser alcoholic brother in The Fighter?

This isn’t going where I wanted it to go. Let’s just stay focused on Bale as the two-packs-a-day voiced, dark, and dangerous hero.

 Michael Fassbender

Michael Fassbender

Oh Michael, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind.

If you’ve been around the block on Tumblr, you know that “hand porn” is a thing. Michael Fassbender has such great hands he could be the poster child for this brand of pornography They just seem so capable. One second they could be whittling a set of Russian Nesting Dolls for you and the next they could be delicately disrobing you. It’s a win/win. Also, if you’ve seen Shame, you know what this dude is packing. End of story.

To have all three of these men in a movie together is borderline madness. The results are unfathomable. I’m literally scared to allow my body to see this flick. Spontaneous combustion due to hormonal overload is for sure to happen. Too many nice jaw lines, too many svelte physiques, too many smoldering gazes. Ahhh my eyes! It burns! It burns!

A movie about love triangles is sure to have at least two things: naked flesh and dudes trying to exert their machismo by fighting each other. Get your bodies ready.

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Comments

  1. maria41 says

    Umm, how could you not think of any other Christian Bale movies…American Psycho, 3:10 to Yuma, The Prestige?? The man is one of the best actors in Hollywood. Also…his accent…I could listen to him talk all day long.

  2. Sarah says

    MTE. TotalFim just named Christian Bale the Best Actor of our times. I agree. He is fantastic. Watch a few more good movies Hillary before writing articles about movies.

  3. NB says

    Hillary –

    Your writing is absolutely freakin’ hilarious. :P

    I found you through your “6 Inappropriate Songs…” article, and – after laughing my ass off at your finely tuned jokes – decided to check out some of your other stuff. I was not disappointed. You definitely bring the lulz, my friend. :)

    I really enjoy your down-to-earth writing style. It’s very relatable and extremely entertaining. :) Anyway! Just wanted to leave you a comment out of support. Go, you! Write on, sister! You are very talented.

    Uhm, I think my email’s attached to this comment or something like that. -shrug- It’d be neat to talk to you!

    Good luck with your writing!

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