You might want to steady yourself for this news – apparently Rosie O’Donnell is difficult to live with.

Who knew? We always thought that living with Rosie O’Donnell would be adorable – realising that she’s finished off all the biscuits again, getting into stand-up arguments about the war seven times a day, faking enthusiasm whenever she suggests that you rewatch her turn as Betty Rubble in the 1994 live action Flintstones movie for the billionth time – but apparently it’s not.

Because Rosie O’Donnell and her partner Kelli Carpenter are calling it quits. Or they might be about to. Form an orderly queue, boys.

Things were so much better when Rosie O’Donnell was on The View, weren’t they? We saw a Rosie-less episode just the other day and it shocked us – people were actually agreeing about things. Watching it didn’t make us feel like the abused child in a loveless marriage. We might be wrong, but we actually thought that we saw someone smile at one point. We were trying to convince ourselves that it was a grimace of anger, but deep down we knew it was a smile. We were sickened. Sickened!

But now that Rosie O’Donnell isn’t on The View any more, where is she getting her fix of rabid, terrifying, full-volume, split-screen screechfests from? At home, apparently, which is possibly why Rosie is doing her best to heavily imply that it’s curtains for her and Kelli Carpenter, her long-time partner.

Readers of Rosie’s blog may have noticed a few cryptic allusions to marital strife being posted in recent days. We didn’t read the offending posts, because our tolerance for meaningless, woolly, punctuation-free new-age haikus is so low that we tend to spend a few hours dry-heaving if we even so much as think about looking at Rosie O’Donnell’s blog. But whatever was written was apparently enough for the USA Today to corner Rosie and ask her what the deal is. And this is how she replied:

“Kelli and I love each other very much and we are working on our issues. Those are the only words I am ever going to say. Ever. And that is something that has been agreed upon by all parties.”

You see? There’s nothing to worry about. Rosie and Kelli are as good as they’ve ever been. They even have a cute little couple name for themselves, see? They call themselves ‘all parties’. We just love the way they’ve taken a bland piece of legalese most commonly used to describe a couple going through the process of separation and totally made it their own. Great job, guys!

And if Rosie O’Donnell really is splitting up with Kelli Carpenter, we’ve got two words for her: Donald Trump. Boy oh boy, is that an internet sex tape we’d pay to see.

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