It was The Golden Globes last night; the freewheeling cousin of the Oscars that TV stars are allowed to go to if they promise not to be too bitter where Jack Nicholson is all-but guaranteed to drop his trousers and start humping a starlet's leg at some point.
But, during last night's Golden Globes, none of that happened. Nothing exciting happened at all, really. All the people you expected to win – Forest Whitaker, Martin Scorsese, Babel, the girl from Dreamgirls that isn't Beyonce – all won Golden Globes and, just to really hit home, Helen Mirren won two of them, conclusively sealing the fact that by the time The Oscars roll around, Academy members will be so sick of Helen Mirren and anything to do with British royalty that they'd happily vote for Big Momma's House 2 just to make sure that she doesn't win.
The Golden Globes is the signal that awards season is well and truly underway. So far the only awards given out have come from stuffy historians, a group of tubby men sitting around in a restaurant, people who get paid to dress up funny and do silly voices and film directors, but The Golden Globes is different. The Golden Globes is just like The Oscars, only smaller and not as important. And The Golden Globes usually kick up some amount of bother – like Melanie Griffith getting sued or Reese Witherspoon wearing the cast-offs of lesser actresses – but it's too early for any of that business yet. Right now it's all about the winners and losers.
Back when The Golden Globes nominations were announced, the potential winners leapt off the list at you. Even though Babel is about as enjoyable as falling fingernail-first onto sticks of bamboo and broken glass, it seemed to be doing very well this year – and it won The Golden Globe for Best Drama. Even though nobody has actually watched The Queen because the idea of sitting through a boo-hoo Princess Diana movie is still as unappealing as it was ten years ago, Helen Mirren won the Best Actress Golden Globe for her role in it – and the Best Miniseries Actress for her role in Elizabeth I. And even though we don't have anything pithy to say about Martin Scorsese's The Departed or Forest Whitaker's turn in The Last King Of Scotland because we loved them both, they won Best Director and Best Actor respectively.
And then there was Dreamgirls. Dreamgirls had been shut out of a variety of awards this year, killing the notion that it would perform well at The Oscars, but that was turned around at The Golden Globes last night when it was named Best Musical/Comedy, with Eddie Murphy winning the Best Supporting Actor Golden Globe because James Brown just died and his Dreamgirls character is vaguely James Brown-y, and Jennifer Hudson winning Best Supporting Actress for shouting that song everyone's sick of louder than anyone else in history.
And Borat said "anus" during his acceptance speech too. Happy days. Here's who won exactly what at last night's Golden Globes or – to be more precise – here's a list of the probable winners of all the Oscars unless people get tired of them and place protest votes for The Covenant instead:
Drama – Babel
Actor, drama – Forest Whitaker, The Last King of Scotland
Actress, drama – Helen Mirren, The Queen
Musical/comedy – Dreamgirls
Actor, musical/comedy – Sacha Baron Cohen, Borat
Director – The Departed, Martin Scorsese
Soundtrack – The Painted Veil, Alexandre Desplat
Foreign language – Clint Eastwood, Letters from Iwo Jima
Screenplay – Peter Morgan, The Queen
Supporting actor – Eddie Murphy, Dreamgirls
Actress in a comedy or musical – Meryl Streep, The Devil Wears Prada
Supporting actress – Jennifer Hudson, Dreamgirls
Original song – The Song of the Heart, Happy Feet, Prince
Animated film – Cars
Cecil B. De Mille Award – Warren Beatty
Drama series – Grey's Anatomy
Actress, TV comedy/musical series – America Ferrera, Ugly Betty
TV comedy/musical series – Ugly Betty, ABC
Actor, TV comedy/musical series – Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Actress, miniseries or TV movie – Helen Mirren, Elizabeth I
Actor, miniseries or TV movie – Bill Nighy, Gideon's Daughter
Miniseries or movie – Elizabeth I
Actor, TV drama series – Hugh Laurie, House
Actress, TV drama series – Kyra Sedgwick, The Closer
Supporting actress, a TV series, miniseries or movie – Emily Blunt, Gideon's Daughter
Supporting actor, TV series, miniseries or movie – Jeremy Irons, Elizabeth I