It's time to start the pre-Oscars awards hype, and not a moment too soon – we've only just regained our breath after, um, you know, that bloke won that award for that film he was in; you know, the one with the men in it.

OK, we'll admit, the thought of awards season fills us with the kind of gut-knotting horror usually only reserved for directly after hearing the line "and now, ladies and gentlemen, Lee Ryan!" But trying to stop Hollywood's movie industry hyping its awards season blind months in advance of any actual awards being handed out is an impossible task, which is why we're just going to roll over and say that at next year's Golden Globes, the Cecil B. DeMille outstanding contribution award will go to Steven Spielberg, a new up-and-coming arthouse director yet to have his first big hit.

The Golden Globes will take place on January 13th next year. That's a full two months away, but time to get excited about them anyway, because the Golden Globes are like a funner kind of Oscars, with more jokes, more categories dedicated to  comedies and television and more pre-show official countdown compilation shows presented by Sharon Stone fake-laughing at clips of Jack Nicholson in such a transparently false way that it looks like she's in the throes of a near-fatal asthma attack.

Nobody knows who'll win any of next year's Golden Globes yet – the nominations aren't even going to be revealed for another month – except one. That's the Cecil B. DeMille award for outstanding contribution to entertainment. Each year since 1952, starting with the director that bore its name, the Golden Globes has presented the Cecil B. DeMille Award to an individual with an extraordinarily high level of consistency in terms of their professional output. For example, Warren Beatty won the Cecil B. DeMille award last year, and was preceded by Sir Anthony Hopkins in 2006.

The year before that it was Robin Williams, but we don't like to talk about that. 

And next year's recipient is already out of the bag – it's Steven Spielberg. Now, you can't fault the timing of the Golden Globes in wanting to give the award to Steven Spielberg next year, because it's the year that Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull – directed by Steven Spielberg – will be released, a film which originally had the title of I'm Steven Spielberg, Could You All Just Save Me A Bit Of Time And Give Me All Your Money Now Please. Needless to say, handing Steven Spielberg what amounts to a lifetime achievement award months before he releases what could be his biggest-ever hit is a clever move on the part of the Golden Globes.

Plus, if they gave it to Steven Spielberg any later, it might be after his confusingly abstract film about gravitation physics, quasars and active galactic nuclei, at which point Steven Spielberg will only qualify for Most Improbably Dull Movie About Notions That The General Public Could Never Even Possibly Begin To Fathom awards.

But still, congratulations to Steven Spielberg, who now has two months to dream up an acceptance speech ahead of the Golden Globes. Tenner says it'll begin with "Barbra Streisand won this award seven years before I did. Seven years! Me! Steven Spielberg! My mistake, she must have done a better job of directing ET than I did. And Robin Williams! Robin Williams! I made Jaws, you ungrateful bunch of wankers!" at which point he'll be escorted from the stage.