‘Go To Miami, Amy Winehouse’ Orders Banged-Up Blake

Amy Winehouse is in for a cruddy Christmas. Not only is Santa vastly unlikely to give Amy what she needs the most - a slap in the mouth and a decent hairbrush - but now that her husband's been remanded in custody, she'll be all alone, too.

But just because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be banged up in prison until the middle of January - possibly even June - it doesn't mean that he's not in love with his wife. That's why Blake has apparently urged Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, the city where they got married, to reflect on the good times instead of wallowing glumly and screaming like an angry kestrel at paying fans. And it seems like Amy Winehouse has decided to listen to him and go to Miami. That's probably for the best because not only will Amy Winehouse get some distance from her current troubles, but it means that Blake won't have to kick her in the face until she needs metal plates inserted because she defied him.

All the things you take for granted this Christmas - unwrapping presents, realising you don't like the presents, tactlessly asking for the receipt so you can exchange the presents, making the present-giver cry, rolling your eyes and asking them what all the bloody fuss is about, getting told it's because you're a heartless bastard - Amy Winehouse's husband Blake Fielder Civil won't get to experience any of that this year.

That's because Blake Fielder Civil is going to be spending Christmas in Pentonville Prison for his alleged role in beating up a barman and then perverting the course of justice by trying to buy his silence. And prison Christmases aren't much fun, because instead of turkey you're given a bowl of spitty porridge and instead of dozing off in front of The Two Ronnies you're shanked in the kidneys by a tattooed murderer. 

What's more, Blake Fielder Civil will definitely be spending New Year's Eve remanded in custody - and maybe even Valentine's day, Easter, and April Fool's Day too, if it's decided that he has to stay in prison until his trial begins in June. All of those special dates are marked with a murderer kidney-shanking too, by the way, except for Valentine's day where you get shanked and bummed at the same time. 

But as awful as all that must be for Blake Fielder Civil, imagine how it must feel for his wife Amy Winehouse. She's already overdosed on drugs, been booed by her fans and staggered around London covered in blood this year, and now she has to spend the festive season all alone, too? That's too much for any girl to bear, which is why Blake Fielder Civil has stepped in to help Amy Winehouse out.

It's been reported that Blake has ordered Amy Winehouse to spend Christmas in Miami, where they both got married earlier this year, to think about all the good times they've had together since the wedding, like the near-death overdose, the messed-up rehab visits, the arrests, the blood-soaked razorblade fights and the skronky fan-angering concerts, that sort of thing. And, according to Amy Winehouse's hairdresser, that's exactly what she's going to do:

"Amy told me Blake wants her to go away for Christmas to get away from it all. She is not on top of the world. But speaking to Blake on the phone helps. She'll go to Miami if Blake keeps going on about it because she loves him and wants to make him happy."

Of course, nobody can expect Amy Winehouse to solve all of her problems just by spending a few days in Miami, no matter what Will Smith may have rapped to you in 1998. But perhaps the trip will give Amy some time to put her issues in perspective. After all, it's only away from the media spotlight that Amy will see it's really not such a big deal to destroy your own career and become a laughing stock because you're addicted to hard drugs and married to a trilby-wearing pillock of a jailbird. 

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Amy Off To Miami - Sunday Mirror