Glory Road Tops Mental US Weekend Box Office

If you’re English and reading this: you’re probably wondering why a dreary basketball movie like Glory Road has topped the US weekend box office by making such a piffling amount of money.

It’s because it’s the Martin Luther King holiday today, and many studios are releasing Friday-Monday four-day weekend box office estimates, and we’re only going on the normal three-day data. If you’re American and reading this: what the hell are you doing reading this? It’s Martin Luther King day! Go and do something more worthwhile!

So now we’ve established that the weekend box office is all screwy because of Martin Luther King day, what can we tell you about the film that topped it? Well, Glory Road - despite have an oddly pervy name - is a film about a basketball team. But not just any basketball team: a basketball team with a whole bunch to do with the civil rights movement. Martin Luther King. Civil Rights. Glory Road. It all makes sense now! Here’s the full - if somewhat incomplete - US weekend box office chart.

1 - Glory Road (Let’s face it - if you live in Britain you’ll never
watch Glory Road. Not even Dennis Rodman groping is way through
Celebrity Big Brother can awaken any interest in basketball here, much
less a historical film about basketball. So let’s acknowledge and move
on…) $13,471,000

2 - Last Holiday (hecklerspray’s last holiday was a brief sojourn to
Australia. And that factette is roughly 300% more interesting than
yakking about the rubbish-looking Queen Latifah and LL Cool J-starring
heartwarming comedy about a dying woman) $13,000,000

3 - Hoodwinked (Little Red Riding Hood as re-imagined by the Weinsteins and a special needs man with a Commodore 64, by the looks of things) $12,214,000

4 - The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
(Seriously, that Mr Tumnus. He’ll be moving to Vietnam to start
‘teaching English’ to young girls next. If he wasn’t a fictional
character based on the Bible, that is) $10,134,000

- Casanova (Heath Ledger plays a man who likes ladies. Ladies, y’hear? There’s more to him than gay cowboys, you know) $2,350,000

- The Matador (Pierce Brosnan stops being bitter about not being James Bond for long enough to star in a film about a squalid man who is a bit like a bitter James Bond) $447,000

- Capote (Because not all the studios have submitted weekend box office estimates yet, weird left-field movies like this one about the man who wrote Breakfast At Tiffany’s get into the top ten) $424,000

- Mrs Henderson Presents (Starring Dame Judi Dench, Will Young and Bob Hoskins’ todger.) $385,000

- The Squid And The Whale (Not, as you probably think, a film about a squid and a whale. Actually a film about two boys dealing with the divorce of their parents. Fans of whales should seek out Free Willy 3, a heartbreaking film about a killer whale struggling with the divorce of his parents) $250,000

- Wolf Creek (Promotional material for Wolf Creek says that it’s scary and disturbing. People who have seen Wolf Creek say it’s rubbish and a waste of money. You decide) $182,500

Weekend box office: January 13-15 - Box Office Mojo

[story by Stuart Heritage]