Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were reunited through sheer awfulness at this year’s Razzies; Tom Cruise snatching the Most Tiresome Tabloid Target award and Nicole Kidman running away with one half of the Worst Onscreen Couple prize. But the big winner was Dirty Love – Jenny McCarthy‘s touchingly moving observation of a woman who gets her baps out a lot and then dribbles menstrual blood around a chemist.
While the rest of the world is focused on the ridiculous dress that
Charlize Theron wore to the Oscars last night (we’re getting round to
it, honest), it would be easy to assume that the Oscars were the only
awards ceremony of the weekend – but you’d be wrong. Popping the
Oscars’ bubble a day early were The Razzies, the awards that celebrate some of the sheer gormlessness of modern-day Hollywood.
Although most of you won’t have seen Dirty Love (DVDs), it was arguably the
biggest Razzie-magnet of them all this weekend. We haven’t seen it
either, but we’re promised that Dirty Love contains scenes of a man with a fish
up his bum, a woman’s vagina bleeding, poo on a bed and 27 uses of the
word "fuck." Chief of the Razzies, John Wilson, called Dirty Love:
bastard child that might have resulted had John [Bolero] Derek and Tom
Green spent the winter together tending sheep on Brokeback Mountain."
Love took home Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Director and Worst
Screenplay Razzies – at least it would have done, had anyone from the
movie turned up to the event.
That’s not to say that Dirty Love won all the Razzies, though. Lazy-eyed dog owner Paris Hilton
was awarded Worst Supporting Actress for her role in House Of Wax,
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo star Rob Schneider won Worst Actor.
Hayden Christensen – a man who may as well have the word "Noooooooo!"
carved onto his gravestone – won the Worst Supporting Actor Razzie for
being the worst Darth Vader in history in Star Wars: Episode III –
Revenge Of The Sith.
The two biggest celebrities to win awards at the Razzies, though,
were undoubtedly Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise. Cowboy loving Nicole won Worst
Onscreen Couple for her stint on the blisteringly unfunny Bewitched
movie. She shared the award with World’s Funniest Man If Only He Didn’t
Make So Many Shit Films Will Ferrell. And Tom Cruise took the Most
Tiresome Tabloid Target Razzie for – and we’re quoting here – Katie
Holmes, Oprah’s Couch, the Eiffel Tower and Tom’s baby .
We know what you’re thinking – where the hell are Jessica Simpson‘s
Razzies? What can we say, the world is an unjust place, people.
[story by Stuart Heritage]