Nine am on Sunday 3rd April 2005. 

It’s been, it’s gone. After the – now traditional – agony of ringing and ringing and getting angry and kicking your dog, some of you will now be the proud owners of two (count ‘em) tickets to the Glastonbury Festival of Contemporary Performing Arts 2005. 

But was it worth the effort? Hecklerspray investigates…

Far be it from hecklerspray to abuse it’s position of opional (it’s a word) authority, but we’ve had our feelers out on Glasto quality for a while now.  And let us tell you, we’re not happy bunnies.

Putting aside the usual ticket availability hoopla for two seconds, the lineup itself stinks like a week-old Tiffany comeback. It’s not even a confirmed Kylie performance that’s the problem. Ok, well that’s a bit of a problem, but the blessed rumour mill is causing more concern here in EC1.

See, we’ve heard that Glasto’s other acts are likely to include Coldplay (kings of the whiney dirge), Velvet Revolver (you see, Axel was right), The Streets (what have you done to yourselves?), White Stripes (too easy), Oasis (yawn) and even Paul ‘man-alive am I loving how overrated I am’ McCartney.

So, the usual Brit band chaff and a couple of American imports (name any you like, because they all sound the same) and you’ve not so much got a festival as a Band Aid video. They are great though, aren’t they? You know, charity singles. Aren’t they?

Anyhow, the whole festival sold out before Eavis had even finished polishing his NME doctorate, despite the banality on offer. Not surprising given some of last year’s stories. One such tale involved a fruitloop of a woman who reputedly called the not-so-hotline 800 times in a vain attempt to get through. That’s 799 too many in hecklerland. What kind of customer service is that?

Why attack such a well-meaning event, you might ask? Why have a dig at something that not only brings joy to thousands but also helps good causes?  Why?

Well, ‘Adam from UK’, now is your time to shine: “Glastonbury is rubbish. Bad food, bad music, bad weather, bad time”.

Well put, Adam from UK. Do you want a job?

Read more about Adam and his chums ‘Christa, Somerset’ and ‘Ed, UK’ on the BBC’s fabulous music message board service – click here for action.  You’ve gotta join first though. It’s like a friendly little club.

To complain about Glastonbury ticket problems send a stamped address envelope with sample of your own hair and nature of your complaint to:

Re – "Problems Of A Medical Nature"

A. Robinson

BBC

Wood Lane

London