Gisele & Tom Brady Get Married! TO EACH OTHER!

Do you like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, but find all their rampant intellect both intimidating and subversive?

Well, you can relax now. There’s a brand-new intimidatingly good-looking celebrity couple in town, and – best of all – it looks like they’d both struggle to work zips unless they went on a four-month training course beforehand. That’s right – Gisele and Tom Brady have got married.

Gisele and Tom Brady got married last night in Santa Monica, and shattered all kinds of marriage conventions in the process, like ‘never get married on a Thursday’ and ‘try not to make your wedding cartoonishly dull’.

Tom Brady came in for a lot of grief when he started going out with Gisele – although that tends to happen when you leave your pregnant wife for a supermodel – but in retrospect it seems like a staggeringly good move.

After all, now he’s with Gisele it’s going to be difficult for Tom Brady to callously trade up like that again. Because, you know, who’s better looking than Gisele? Apart from one of those other supermodels who don’t look like they’ve had a plank of woodchip stapled to their chin, obviously. Oh. We’ve spotted the flaw in his plan. Bum.

Anyway, we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Gisele and Tom Brady need their honeymoon period before Tom Brady starts scouting around for women to cheat on her with – and, unusually, Gisele and Tom Brady are literally going to spend their honeymoon period on honeymoon. Because, you see, Gisele and Tom Brady got married last night.

And we’re thrilled for the pair of them. Really. Because nobody does high-flying romance quite like Gisele and Tom Brady. Did you hear the story of how Tom Brady proposed to Gisele? Get your tissues ready, because this is just gorgeous. Take it away, source close to the couple:

“He asked and she accepted.”

Wow. Wow. Take that, men of the world. It doesn’t matter how you plan to propose to your girlfriend – a trip to Paris, a ring dropped into a glass of champagne, sky-writing – you’ll know deep in your heart that you’ll never match up to Tom Brady in terms of unrivalled spectacle. You’re a failure. You make us sick.

And this almost-florid taste for romance even stretched to Gisele and Tom Brady’s wedding last night in Santa Monica. People reports:

Tom Brady & Gisele B?ndchen quietly got married in a small, private ceremony in Santa Monica, Calif. on Thursday, sources tell PEOPLE. They followed the wedding with a small gathering at their Brentwood home.

That’s sweet – we hear that Gisele and Tom Brady’s wedding had a ‘funeral of an unloved spinster’ theme, in which full marks to them. They really hit that theme out of the park.

So far there’s no word on how Gisele and Tom Brady plan to spend their honeymoon although, if it’s anything like as white-knuckle as their engagement or wedding, we wouldn’t rule out a dust particle-counting expedition inside a cupboard on an industrial estate in Swindon. Those kids do know how to party, after all.

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