Gisele Bundchen took to Instagram to post a picture of herself getting ready for another hard day of standing and posing. Her mini Brady child makes an appearance in it as well, lest we forget when seeing her major inner thigh gap that she gave birth to not one, but two children with amazing freaking genetics. In the photo, she is giving her baby the liquid gold from her chichis, while getting bedazzled up by a team of stylists.
The message she was going for “Look at how well I multitask!” but it comes off totally ridiculous and just plain obnoxious. Is it really impressive to sit around with a baby on the teet while a team of paid individuals brushes your hair for you and paints your nails? When you are just sitting on your ass, doing no tasks on your own, can you really claim to be doing any work?
Do you think she even wipes her own ass, or is there someone hired for that task too? Gisele Bundchen is kind of like that perfect bitch in high school that had it all, knew it, but tried to pretend she was above it all. You know what I mean. The prom queen dating the senior quarterback with the rich mommy and daddy who becomes president of some charity based afterschool group just to make sure everyone knows she is as altruistic as she is beautiful. But then she’d give you the side eye in the lunchroom while discussing how meat is murder while you ate your hamburger, completely ignoring her $400 purse made out of skinned alligator and unicorn tears, and you knew that bitch was not as sweet as she pretended to be.
Now, fast forward to adult years. Turn prom queen into multimillionaire model, the QB boyfriend of a high school football team into a QB husband of a top ranking NFL team, and you have Bundchen’s life. Bitch is the face of Victoria’s Secret and is legally wifed up to pretty boy, Tom Brady. And just in case you forgot how fucking amazing her world is, we all have Instagram to remind us.
Gisele is the mom of two young kids, her youngest being the one year old girl in this photograph. Now, let’s discuss this snapshot issue by issue. Starting off with the whole breastfeeding thing, this moment should come as no surprise to anyone as Gisele has been very open about her feelings supporting breastfeeding. But of course, someone so high up on their horse can’t be supportive without being a total condescending bitch about it. A couple years ago after her first baby was born, Bundchen did an interview with Harper’s Bazaar UK where she basically called out any mother that uses formula as poisoning their child, and that it should be illegal.
“Some people here think they don’t have to breastfeed, and I think, ‘Are you going to give chemical food to your child, when they are so little?’ There should be a worldwide law, in my opinion, that mothers should breastfeed their babies for six months.”
Listen, we all know the milk that comes squirting out of a mother’s nipples is the best damn stuff on earth (Sorry, Snapple). And I personally am all for babies getting that. But the fact of the matter is, there are a ton of reasons why babies don’t, and they get formula instead. It must be nice to be Gisele, to be so smug and judgey of millions of mothers around the world. I am surprised the bitch doesn’t fall more on the runway since her nose is so far up in the air that her neck be sore.
Now, I am pro breastfeeding all the way. Which is why that isn’t the total ridiculous part of the picture. Super conservative shmucks who think the picture is too sexual, yet have no issues with Bundchen strutting her shit in a G-string, have their priorities all in a whack. What is totally asinine is Gisele trying to pull the “multitasking” card here. Bitch, you are sitting on your ass while everyone around you does all the word. The makeup artist paints some beauty on your face, the hair stylist brushes your extensions, and even your baby is the one actually doing the sucking down of the milk. If Bundchen is trying to be relatable here, in her top level apartment getting ready to put her hand on her hip and make $100K for doing so, she is horribly failing.
I have seen actual working moms who multitask. And a much more realistic shot would be one where the mom is covered in spit up and shit, while holding the baby with one arm on a boob, and using her other arm to try and make some damn Rice a Roni, with a cellphone nestled in the crook of their neck on a business call. That is some multitasking.
Thankfully, we have hysterical celebrities like Emmy Rossum who aren’t afraid of being milk bombed by LeLeche nuts and post things like this.
It’s just so hard being rich and beautiful. So. Hard.