Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler?s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker ? she's finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fianc?, only to get cheated on with a man.
Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it's really a technically either way.
Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you've named after your mum.
Now, you might have to pay attention in this story, because all of the participants are almost identical-looking fake-blonde twenty somethings, one of whom is a girl but was born a man, one is a girl but used to look like a boy and one is a boy who looks a bit like a girl. Frankly, this article is becoming difficult to write as there’s a strong presence of an erection as we type.
Anyway, the facts are these: you may remember that Kelly Osbourne got the bestest Christmas a girl could get, and found out that her husband-to-be had been away banging a girl in New York. Turns out that Elle Schneider, the girl in question, was born a man, with man-bits and everything. How disgusting. Obviously, it's only Kelly Osbourne and that, but cheating on your fianc?? How disgustingly shit.
The Mirror girds its gender-neutral loins and reports:
It was only when I took my clothes off he saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it – he was very complimentary. He was drunk. He stayed the night and did not leave my hotel room until 11am the next day. Back then, I had no idea he was engaged. He repeatedly insisted he was single.
And that was over a year ago. Since then,?they’ve?been using Skype for video-sex (no idea either. But then again we’re not even sure how ?regular? sex works, so best not to ask us. Send prostitutes instead). It was only after she came over to see him DJ (oh, so apparently he's a DJ. Huh, that's a piece of information we’re going to have to forget) and hooked up with her again that Kelly got suspicious. In an ending worthy of a made for TV movie (in the unlikely even that they commission one about a blonde knob-headed DJ and his transatlantic, transgendered hookups) the two women:
…started chatting and swapping stories via Facebook and Twitter and soon realised he had been stringing them both along.
Girl power! Or something. Anyway, it’s a mostly happy ending. Apart from Elle being publicly outed, Luke will hopefully never DJ or appear in the public?consciousness?again and best of all, it’ll almost definitely be another few years before there is any more Osbourne added to the gene pool!
Hurrah!
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