Right then, GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is the number one movie at the weekend box office. This much we know.

But that’s it. That’s literally it. Ahead of its release, Paramount decided not to screen GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra for anyone – and we’re not stupid enough to actually pay to see it – so we haven’t got the slightest clue what happens anywhere in the movie whatsoever.

We think it’s got a cobra in it. And some bloke called Joe. And it’s about Action Man, so none of the characters have any genitals. That would make sense.

OK, OK, we’re being deliberately naive here – we do know what this week’s weekend box office number one GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra is about. We’ve seen the trailers, after all – it’s clearly about a couple of chaps backflipping through missile fire in slightly-altered Stormtrooper uniforms. And Sienna Miller really really wishing that someone will ask her to be Catwoman one day. And nothing else. There, that’s saved you a few quid, hasn’t it? Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 – GI Joe: The Rise Of Cobra (Based on the popular children’s toy Action Man, notable for its shifty eyes, moss-like hair and profound lack of human genitals. For the life of us, we can’t understand why Shia LaBeouf wasn’t given a role in this) $56,200,000

2 – Julie & Julia (A film starring Meryl Streep that’s based on a blog. Which is great, but will Meryl return our calls for her to play us in Hecklerspray: The Movie? No she bloody won’t. What a bitch) $20,100,000

3 – G-Force (Disney really missed a trick here – a film about violent guinea pigs called G-Force? That’s good, but a film about violent guinea pigs who are constantly on the brink of a multiple orgasm called G-Spot? That’s gold. You hear us? Gold) $9,804,000

4 - Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince (Incidentally, why has Draco Malfoy aged 30 years in the time it’s taken the rest of the Harry Potter cast to age eight years? We’d love to know) $8,880,000

5 - Funny People (Some people are calling Funny People Judd Apatow’s Annie Hall. Great – that means we’ve still got Judd Apatow’s Cassandra’s Dream to look forward to. Joy) $7,866,000

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