George Michael To Write What He Can Remember About His Life
Want to know exactly what was going through George Michael's mind when he waggled his todger at a policeman in a public Los Angeles toilet?
Oh, come on, yes you do. You do. Just like you want to know how George Michael felt when he called up Richard and Judy to defend getting caught wanking off a stranger in a bush.
And soon you'll know, because George Michael has just announced that he's to write his autobiography, and it'll include every single important event from his life apart from all the bits that he forgot because he fell asleep in the middle of them.
George Michael has a lifestyle that millions of people violently envy daily. Admittedly, they're the millions of people whose dream life consists of nothing but falling asleep in inappropriate places and then romping off to the park to masturbate ugly strangers, but they still count.
But until now we've never really got a handle on what George Michael is like deep down. Sure, we know he's the bloke from Wham! who Princess Diana wanted to shag. We know that he's either self-deprecating enough to appear as himself in the Extras Christmas special or so stubbornly humourless that he screams about suing the whole world after it's seen him rummaging with a man's winky in a bush. We know that George Michael loves the drugs.
That's all, though, and we're so desperate to know more that we regularly just give up and start crying because we don't know the precise ins and outs of George Michael's everyday life. But that'll all change next year, though, because that's when George Michael's tell-all autobiography will be released. What's more, it'll make George Michael rich beyond his wildest dreams. Reuters reports:
Pop star George Michael will write a no-holds-barred biography to appear in autumn 2009 after signing what HarperCollins called "one of the biggest book deals ever concluded in UK publishing." The deal was agreed by Belinda Budge, managing director and publisher of Harper NonFiction UK, and Michael's manager Andy Stephens and his book agency. "George has promised HarperCollins a no-holds-barred biography, and it's certain to be just that," Stephens said. "People aren't stupid. They're beginning to notice that the truth is more interesting than the stories the press come up with!"
There's no doubt whatsoever that George Michael's autobiography will top the bestseller list – specifically the Nurses And Hairdressers bestseller list – as people rush out eager to discover George's dark secrets, like how often he fumbles with men he's never met in hedges, what he thinks about being worshipped by that Terrahawk woman from EastEnders or what the hell "guilty feet have got no rhythm" is actually supposed to sodding mean.
At the moment, it's thought that George Michael is trying to work out a structure for his autobiography – for instance, he doesn't know if he should bundle all the 'falling asleep' stories together and all the 'masturbation' stories together, or if a sleep/ wank/ sleep/ wank pattern would be more effective.
We guess we'll find out when Sleep/Wank: The Memoirs Of That Greek Bloke From Wham! is published next year.
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