George Michael Retires, World Shrugs

March 17 2005 will go down in history as a sad day for idiots everywhere. Because George Michael is due to quit music. Spectacularly, in fact. Completely without warning. Just like he said he’d do three years ago.

Back in 2002 - as if you don’t already know - George released a smash hit of a single called "Shoot The Dog". This track’s tone was immensely anti-war, in fact it started the whole anti-war movement. The whole planet shook in fury at the invasion of Iraq when they heard George Michael’s searing poetic truths.

And George W Bush… well he was scared. "How can one man hit so hard, armed with only a heart-stopping melody?" he probably wondered.

So he launched a counter-attack.

As the President controls the entire US media, he choreographed a George Michael backlash. We’re thinking out loud here.

And so, sickened by this poisoning of minds by the government, George Michael retires.

A gallant but defeated warrior for truth.

"I knew I was taking a chance by speaking out against the war," Michael recalled, "but I was absolutely floored by the intensity of the attacks on my by the American media."

Or at least that’s what happened in Michael’s head. Probably.

What really happened was that "Shoot The Dog" was a total abomination of a song with no tune to speak of, and lyrics like "Tony Tony Tony, I know that your horny, but there’s somethin’ ’bout that Bush ain’t right".

It reached number 12 in the UK single charts.

Now call us cynical, but that’s not very good. Around that time, 13,000 single sales would get you into the top ten. Compare that with the 2 million UK proles who marched through London to protest against the war.

Your popularity didn’t plummet because you opposed the war, sunshine. It plummeted because your song stank like a dead chinchilla lodged up a tramp’s arse.

So, perhaps embarrassed by this commercial and critical defeat, George mumbled something about not releasing any more albums. And now - the shock, the horror - he’s following through with it.

At least he’s taking his own advice. Maybe he made his mind up to disappear after hearing "Wham Rap" again. All together now… "DO! YOU! ENJOY WHAT YOU DO? IF NOT JUST STOP! DON’T STAY THERE AND ROT!"