Admit it – the construction of the new Wembley Stadium has taken so long that you figured the first act to play there would be some giant genetically-mutated spider monkeys celebrating their violent colonisation of the Earth in the year nine billion AD.

But tough shit if that’s what you thought – the real truth is far, far more terrifying. Instead of the spider monkey thing, the first act to play the new Wembley Stadium has been announced, and it’s George Michael. Now, we’re fully aware that George Michael seeing in Wembley Stadium is both dreary and upsetting, but it makes good logistic sense – after all, Wembley is just a short drive from George Michael’s house. Well, a short drive, three different unconscious slumping pit-stops and a time-out to wank off a man in a shrub, but who’s counting?