George Clooney’s Bike Crash Hospital-Staff Banished - Union Pissed

When hecklerspray was a child we got hurt once. We tore a gash in our abdomen so big it looked like we'd been run through with a sideways Christmas sausage.

Our organs fluttered like a windchime in a hurricane - it took us almost 20 minutes to untangle everything, but that's exactly what we did. We didn't need any wussy anaesthetic, and we sure didn't need no 'trained surgeon.' It's because when we were 12 we were men. And skipping all that hospital crap helped us keep our business our own too. No newspaper ever reported any of our hospital stints until we were found in a closet blood-drunk in a Red Cross.

George Clooney though, him being but half the man we are, he needs 'a doctor' when he cracks some ribs. And his panty-waist girlfriend? She'd likely enjoy for the same doctor to look at her foot when she breaks it going 60 mph in an over-asphalt slide. And what happens when the two feeble lovebirds enter a hospital because they can't reset their own limbs?

The entire staff runs to the paparazzi, apparently. And then they all get suspended for it. And by all we mean 40 of them.

The most faithful among you will remember us reporting that just after George Clooney got voted the sexiest man alive for the 23rd time, he promptly tried to rub his face off on some gravel. His attempt to rid himself forever of his ears, nose and face failed, but it did snap several of his girlfriend's foot-bones in half.

After some random guy made a 911 call to get an ambulance, Clooney and his now broken lady friend were taken to a hospital where the doctors are all moonlighting on TMZ's payroll or something. Hospital staff members leaked tons of info on George's condition. As the news channel that broke the story puts it:

"Just weeks after George Clooney was injured in a motorcycle accident and taken to Palisades Medical Center, CBS 2 has exclusively learned that dozens of doctors and hospital employees were suspended after apparently leaking Clooney's confidential information to the press."

Well that town is effed, apparently. Let's all hope no locals find themselves in need of a doctor's attention. We realise that mishaps don't stop for medical suspensions, however, and so we present the medically deprived people of New Jersey with a comprehensive list of medical remedies they may end up needing:

1) If you get stabbed let a dog lick the wound. That's where scabs come from.

2) If you find you suddenly can't breathe with your nose and mouth, puncture your throat with a flute. If memory is correct, this worked quite well in the 1997 blockbuster Anaconda.

3) If your skin starts to blister and crack, move out of New Jersey.

That last one's just common sense.

Read More:

'Dozens' Of New Jersey Medical Personnel Suspended Over Clooney Privacy Flap - Monsters & Critics