Westlife once sang "Tell me what makes a man," a question to which we all know the answer: watching TV on a sofa with a bag of nuts on your chest and a hand down your pants, barely-disguised misogyny and having a hairy arse.
Try telling that to AskMen, though – it has just published results of a survey to find the world's biggest man's man. And what criteria did Askmen use to find this so-called bastion of a 'man's man'? None other than integrity, charisma and intelligence – all of which sound a little fruity to us. Anyway, the results of the Askmen survey reveal that rubber-wearing booze-hawker George Clooney is the manliest example of a man's man that you will ever find.
George Clooney is so hot right now. No matter what he does, George Clooney gets showered with compliments. When George Clooney expresses a sour dislike of the paparazzi he does it with such panache that nobody minds he's trying to destroy an entire industry. When George Clooney decides that he wants to get fat, grow a beard and tell masturbation jokes to an assembled crowd, he's awarded an Oscar and told – in all seriousness – that he should run for President. And even when George Clooney does nothing but lazily roll out another smug-as-buttons Oceans movie, people still feel the need to hand him an award even though nobody really knows what for.
And now, just to top it all off, George Clooney has been named as the number one man's man in a survey of a million men by AskMen.com – the same website that discovered that most lonely friendless internet losers want Jessica Alba to be their girlfriend. According to The Guardian:
George Clooney is the No. 1 man's man, according to a list compiled by AskMen.com. The Oscar winner tops the Web site's list of what it calls the 49 best representatives of the male gender. Rap mogul Jay-Z, adventurer-entrepreneur Richard Branson, cyclist Lance Armstrong and designer Tom Ford make up the rest of the top five, in order. The list was culled from nominations submitted by readers of the online magazine, who were asked to name the top "ambassadors of male-kind." Voters were asked to look for traits such as integrity, charisma and intelligence.
Get that men? You're not as manly as any of those people. You're less manly than George Clooney, who pretends to be other people for a living. You're less manly than Jay-Z, who wears sandals. You're less manly than Richard Branson, who has such a schoolboy crush on Pamela Anderson that he once made a bottle that looked a bit like her. You're less manly than Lance Armstrong, who is definitely not gay. And you're less manly than Tom Ford who definitely is gay and used to draw pictures of ladies clothes for a living.
Now drop your emasculated body to the floor and give us 20, and don't even think about coming back up until you've at least secured yourself a minor recurring role as Roseanne's hilarious employer in a late 1980s sitcom.
Read more:
Online Magazine: Clooney No. 1 Man's Man – Guardian
[story by Stuart Heritage]