If you've seen even a glimpse of the Gene Simmons sex tape, there's a good chance that you threw up so hard that your stomach is now hanging out of your mouth like an awful smelly balloon.
But you're not the only person to be annoyed by the Gene Simmons sex tape. Gene Simmons isn't especially thrilled with it either.
And like you, Gene Simmons is fighting back. But where you fought back by punching a hole in your computer, stapling your eyelids together and trying to destroy the part of your brain that remembers it by ramming a knitting needle up your nose, Gene Simmons has decided to fight back against the Gene Simmons sex tape by doing clever legal stuff. Which probably makes more sense.
The recently leaked Gene Simmons sex tape raises more questions than it answers. Like 'Why doesn't that girl want to kiss Gene Simmons?' and 'Why doesn't Gene Simmons take his top off?' and 'If he's got a tongue like that, why doesn't Gene Simmons get round to using it?' and 'Why?' and 'Why? Why, in God's name? Why? Why?'
Because, honestly, if you haven't seen the Gene Simmons sex tape, you're missing out on perhaps the funnest way to ensure that you'll spend the rest of your life compulsively self-medicating with drugs or alcohol to escape the pain. The Gene Simmons sex tape is basically an old man with crap hair lackadaisically having disinterested, partially-clothed sex with an Austrian bimbo who resolutely won't let him kiss her. To the sound of I Wanna Know What Love Is by Foreigner.
We're explaining this to you, you see, because chances are it won't be on the internet for long. Gene Simmons has switched his 'old man having the worst sex anyone has ever seen' head with his 'diamond-sharp business mogul' head, and he's out to get whoever put the Gene Simmons sex tape on the internet. A hint of what was to come appeared on Gene's website a couple of days ago:
Hi everyone. You may have heard or seen garbage that has sprung up from my past. Rest assured the proper legal team is looking at all ramifications and options. And us? Shannon, Nick and Soph are happy and healthy. All is well. And thank you all for the kind words of support.
And now Operation Get Everyone To Stop Looking At My Tired Old Knob has launched into full effect. As TMZ reports, the Gene Simmons sex tape isn't long for the world, and it's all thanks to our old friend copyright infringement:
We're told Gene's lawyers contacted Webmastercentral.com, which is responsible for the content on the website promoting the video — ordering them to cease and desist because of copyright infringement. How, you ask, is this copyright infringement? Gene's lawyers claim the site had no right to use face paint to promote the skin flick, because face paint is a KISS thing. And now we're being told, the tape is old and the copyright owner is … drum roll … Gene Simmons! Apparently, Gene got wind of the tape a few years back and bought the rights.
Now, the danger hasn't completely passed yet and the Gene Simmons sex tape is still on the various parts of internet. What we suggest you do is take your family into the shelter room immediately and wait there. There's a chance that some members of your family may have already been infected by the Gene Simmons sex tape, in which case you need to stove their head in with some pipe, label the body clearly and take it into another room. It's hard, but rather that than they try and actually describe the full horror of the Gene Simmons sex tape to you.
This is only a temporary measure, though – Gene Simmons seems to be doing everything in his power to eradicate all traces of the Gene Simmons sex tape from the internet forever, so everything will be back to normal soon.
The fact that Gene Simmons is doing this is heartening in itself, though – for a while there we weren't sure if he was able to do anything with any amount of enthusiasm any more.
Read more:
toolahroolahroolah says
I thnik just redaing abuot this kiss sex tape has cuased me brian damgae.