Gary Coleman has not had the best luck with his career. It’s not really his fault, though, because how can you top being a child actor with stunted growth in an 80s sitcom that only requires you to pout your lips and say "What chu’ talkin’ about, Willis?" every six seconds and occasionally do episodes about inappropriate touching. Seriously, you’re at the top with that, and everybody knows it. The only thing left to do is to move to Utah.
You know Utah… Religious mecca, birthplace of Kentucky Fried Chicken, home to Robert Redford’s trendy film festival, and the only place on earth that can proudly boast to having Jello as the state food. These are no doubt the very reasons that enticed Gary Coleman to move there in the first place. And what does Gary Coleman do to keep up with the spicy nightlife? He does the only sensible thing and gets cited for disorderly conduct after losing his temper in a parked car.
We’ve already presented the obvious virtues of living in Utah, but we should also add that it is also the only place in the world where people are so starved for entertainment that they’ll call the cops when they see an unusually short black guy hit the steering wheel of his car, because that’s exactly what happened to Gary Coleman when the police were called after onlookers observed Gary Coleman hitting the steering wheel of his parked car while in a heated discussion with a woman in Provo, Utah last Friday. The woman was not identified. Was that because it’s hard for an inflatable woman to talk? Who knows.
Regardless, the situation escalated to excitement and loud volume from Coleman once the police arrived. We swear we’re not making up the details of this scandalous event. Read for yourself:
Mr. Coleman was very excited and loud… At one point, he exited his vehicle, waving his arms, yelling and screaming," Cpt. Cliff Argyle told the Salt Lake City Tribune. "Vehicles were unable to exit the parking lot because of Mr. Coleman's actions."
Gary Coleman faces a $750 fine and up to three months in jail for his actions. If he gets sent to jail, don’t you worry. He’s guest-starred on both Hollywood Squares and Geraldo, so he knows what to do when the going gets rough.
We all know that hitting a steering wheel with your hands is only a smidge away from letting the blood of kittens in front of a shrine embodying the Spawn of Satan, but given the fact that Gary Coleman has a past history of violent confrontations (he was sued in 2000 for allegedly hitting a fan in the face) someone really should step in and help him with his anger management issues. Either that or they should put him on The Surreal Life where slapping and ranting are as common as a drunken Vern Troyer peeing off of his motorized scooter in the buff.
Actually, either way Gary Coleman wants to go with that one is fine with us.
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Mithaearon says
What’chu talkin’ ’bout, Willis?
alea says
Technically, Jello is the State Snack, not State Food.
And based on the fact that Provo is the most Republican and almost the Whitest city in America, a black man can’t do anything without getting the police called on him.
Viking Lumberjack says
As a born and raised Utard, I can attest that the area he’s lived in has most likely never seen a black person. Hell, I never saw one in the flesh until I was five (not kidding).
So, you take a small Utah town with a black guy that happens to be a pseudo-midget that starred in a television series in which the two costars had drug problems and one died, and (gasp!) HE’S HITTING A STEERING WHEEL, what do you think is going to happen? Keep in mind the ratio of cops to citizens in the upstanding state of Utah is approximately 2:1, and they never have anything to do.
His attorney could get him off on a plea bargain, testifying that he’s too short to drive a car. “How does he see over the steering wheel, your honor? With a couple of phone books on the seat? And if he does that, how would his nubby little legs touch the pedals?”
“You have an excellent point. (bangs gavel) Case dismissed! (pauses) Retract that order, this defendant is obviously black. Mr. Coleman, in light of your aggressive abuse towards your steering wheel, I sentence you to be tarred and feathered and run out of town, then drawn and quartered for good measure. I’m letting you off easy this time, but we’ll be watching you.”
On another note, how exactly would he be able to punch a fan in the face that was taller than 4’3”? Would it be like Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!!, where you’re fighting Bald Bull?