Well that’s it – we had to fire Miguel. We made sure to point at him and say his name at every single work Christmas party we’ve had, and fifteen years in he decides he knows better than us.

“Please Sirs,” he says, “please sirs, might you stop paying me in potatoes?” Miguel – you ridiculous fool! We’ve been doing what’s best for you and your family of eight! Your children can’t eat cash!

We did so much for him. Maybe we should have done more. Maybe we should have let him live in his janatorial closet. Move the mop and there’s be plenty of room for him and two of his kids to lean and sleep. Rotate in shifts and the whole family’s covered. He’s just lucky we’re not like Marc Brilleman. He’s a would-be reality TV exec who recently got charged with the kidnapping and false imprisonment of several of his female contestants.

Which makes us think… Miguel, you can have your wife back. Pick her up in back of our mansion. We suppose you won’t even appreciate that her hands smell of potato.

So there was a reality TV show a’brewing called Pauper To Princess, where, you guessed it, cave-women get taught a thing or two about civility. Sounds exactly like the show Donald Trump wants the Gov’na’s hooker to star in.

Well, it’s not exactly like Trump’s show. Unless the Donald’s major plot twists include false imprisonment, kidnapping, and later having himself jammed up with third degree felony charges all in the name of ratings week. That’s right – Pauper to Princess is really shaping up to be a heck of a programme. According to their own website:

“In late 2007 Jim Johnson, Marc Brilleman and Diana Evans (partners) discussed an idea that they had about taking 8 ordinary girls and transforming them into princesses The partners worked hard at coming up with a way to make Pauper to Princess different and be a moral story for all ages.”

While the crime news section of Red Alerts.com says:

“A fly by night reality T.V. production company is being accused of luring young girls to a Central Florida house where they were held hostage according to local media. Dream House Productions is the company that created Pauper to Princess, a show that promises to turn poor, desperate young women into “princesses” that will be role models to young girls everywhere. This dream come true reality show turned into a nightmare as the girls were locked away and terrorized by the shows “manager:””

Again – that’s good television. As riveting as Schindler’s List and as hopeful as that one Steven King movie where the haggard lady breaks the ankles of her favorite author. We think it was Hairspray.

Well Brilleman, you are an expert publicist. Also you are fat. In 20 to 30 years when you’re old-people thin and released from prison, we realise that as you jet-pack to your halfway-house you may still be longing for what Pauper to Princess almost was – 12 brilliant seasons on which all of global civilisation hinged. But you can’t look back.

Maybe you can, however, have a stroke of luck at future TV success with some brilliant ideas we’ve been kicking around. That’s right, we here at hs hq have an entire notebook with two half pages almost virtually chock-full of reality TV ideas. Double spaced. The one that seems most suited to you is about fantastic nannies that kidnap families, switch their mother’s and force the women to raise the wrong kids on an island with weekly weight-loss competitions. We don’t care about the title so long as we leave out the word ‘abduct.’ As a general rule NBC will not touch the word abduct.

You see now why we need you.

We’d better film in Mexico.

Read More:

Reality Show Maker Arrested in Fla. – The Associated Press