Frank Lampard has returned triumphant from the global Kicking A Football 50 Feet Above A Crossbar Again And Again competition.

Truly, the man has a gift. And this victory – combined with his new world record for the most amount of times that anyone has ever shuffled around aimlessly before hoofing the ball into outer space regardless of how close to he is goal or which direction he’s facing – means that Frank Lampard wants to celebrate. And, if reports are to be believed, he’s celebrated by getting engaged to Christine Bleakley from The One Show.

By which we mean Christine Bleakley from GMTV. By which we mean Christine Bleakley from such horrific working hours that sleep deprivation will visibly age her by several decades before Christmas. Congratulations, Frank!

Frank Lampard shouldn’t be getting engaged now. After all, don’t you read the newspapers? One of them lashed out at Emile Heskey for smiling within 24 hours of England’s World Cup defeat on Sunday. It seems fairly clear that the entire England squad should be locked in a dungeon and anally violated with shards of dirty toilets for the rest of their lives, because that’s the only fitting punishment for them not winning a solitary football match that nobody expected them to win anyway. Displaying signs of personal happiness? At a time like this? The bastards.

Actually, maybe that’s why Frank Lampard is rumoured to have got engaged to Christine Bleakley. It’s not because it would make him happy. It’s because spending the rest of his life legally bonded to the borderline-unbearable presenter of several unwatchably bad TV shows and putting up with her constant unpleasant professional ambition is his way of atoning for his World Cup mistakes.

That’s if Frank Lampard is engaged to Christine Bleakley, of course. He might not be. The Sun reports:

Christine Bleakley sparked speculation she is engaged to Frank Lampard today – by leaving his house wearing a ring on her wedding finger.  And the 31-year-old held up her left hand as she passed waiting photographers… But her spokesman denied they were going to tie the knot – and claimed she’d simply worn her ring on the wrong finger.

We’re torn. Either Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley are engaged, or Frank Lampard and Christine Bleakley aren’t engaged and Christine Bleakley is an idiot. Both seem feasible.

But let’s just assume that they are engaged. God knows we need another Cheryl and Ashley Cole. By which we mean we need another hilarious football divorce to point and laugh at. Fingers crossed, everyone.

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